Still On The Conveyor Belt

One of the images I have about mortality is that of a conveyor belt moving steadily towards eternity. We all have our place on the belt and at some point we arrive at the stepping off spot.

When we are relatively young there are so many people in line ahead of us we hardly ever think of our spot unless someone our age somehow shockingly steps off way ahead of expectations.

Not being in a hurry to step off and enjoying life on the belt I used to take comfort in knowing how many of my older relatives were up ahead of me. As I am entering my 84th year I realize that I may be a lot closer to my spot than I like, and then again who knows? Like the young person who stepped off way ahead of expectations I may surprise people and stay on the belt way, way beyond my "sell by" date.

So much for mortality for now. As I was going through the routines of the morning; cleaning my hearing aids, taking my blood pressure, meditating, journalling, making the bed and getting dressed I was aware that most of these routines are not exciting or stimulating in any way. That granted I shifted my focus to the fact that I was priveleged to be alive and doing them. They did not have to give me anything; I had only to perform them with awareness and move on to the next thing. Yes, I have preferences. I enjoy eating my breakfast more than I enjoying making the bed. I look forward to reading e-mails, various articles about subjects of interest and the latest news.

A huge preference in my life is following sports. Anyone who knows me well knows of my devotion to golf. They know that Phil Mickelson is my favorite player and that I have never been a fan of Tiger Woods. They would also know that I am delighted to be approaching the opening of the football season. I have watched a couple of the Cardinal's pre-season games. Pleased last night to see them win even if against the hapless Bears who are the new Cardinals of old.

Another source of pleasure and gratification in my time on the belt are books. I like owning books. Michael and I found we have that in common. We like the energy and companionship of books. Holding them, arranging them, enjoying the memories of the ones read and anticipating the pleasure ahead in those yet to be opened.

Because of the economy's effect on my budget I am not only buying bargain books but I am re-reading which is something I have never been inclined to do. If a long time has passed since first reading a book I can enjoy it as for the first time. My memory is emotion centered and I will remember how much I liked or did not like a book while not remembering the plot or the ending.

What fun it was this week to be able to go to Amazon's Marketplace books and find Marth's vendor name MOLE'S END BOOKS! And exciting to hear how she had sold her first book within a week.

A place I can always count on for enjoyment is the movies. I love going to the movies. No DVR or Netflix experiences for me. Settling into my seat with buttered popcorn ( in the middle and on the top) in hand, the lights going down, the murmur of the crowd stilled, promising myself that I won't chat up my companion (especially Marth) I am infused with magic. I am in thrall over possibilities, I am the joy of the movie industry - a real fan.

I have been attending movies weekly ever since childhood. We were expected even as young children to help out at home. We had our specific chores which were mostly performed on Saturday morning. When done to my mother's standards we were given our movie money as pay and off we were to the land of Saturday serials and double features. We walked both ways, perhaps two miles round trip and on at least one occasion we so enjoyed one of the movies that we stayed to see it again. This brought us out of the theater after dark. It also brought us a whack on the backside upon arriving home for having caused mumma so much anxiety.

Another contributor to the pleasures of riding the belt would be gardening. Again from childhood gardening was not only a big factor in my life but it was a way to connect to my parents neither of whom, like most people of their time, were emotionally expressive. Sharing activities is a way to bond even when noone says how they feel about the sharing. Today while trying to economize the one place I don't economize is in the creation of as much beauty in my yard as I can conceive.

The last place that enhances the ride is music. As for many people that I know certain kinds of music bring near bliss, intense joy, sometimes tears. And music provided a strong connection with my dad. He was a classical music fan and I loved to play such music for him on the piano when he asked. I can recall in high school laying on the floor beside our record player with my ear to the screen, volume at the top awaiting the opening wail of the clarinet as Rhapsody in Blue blasted into the living room. Followed immediately by my mother's voice from the kitchen TURN THAT DOWN!!! The last breath of life for my dad as he lay dying was atuned to classical music coming from the ever present radio at his side.

And I should not say that that is the last because actually I have saved the best for the last. What would the ride be without the people who are on it with me? My remarkable children who are so admired, appreciated and loved and their childdren. My dear friends, even people I don't know well or at all who I know through the computer, the TV, the movies.

And so this morning I am appreciating the ride - the routines that just are and the pleasures that balance the ever present suffering of the world: joy with grief, forgiveness with anger, peace with anxiety. I plan to buy more tickets, especially E tickets, and stay on and on and on.........

Question Mark

I wanted to write something today because I sense I am to write and I continue to neglect doing it. I don't know what I want to write which explains the question mark of the title.
Mary gave me a lesson when I was staying with her recently in San Jose in how to add images to my blog posts. We were going to write the steps down as I learn better visually than through listening but we did not. I have been experimenting in an attempt to add a picture. I am able to line up my blog, the picture, and the formatting instructions on my blog. I can see them sitting before me in a tantalizing row and I cannot move the picture/image that I chose - a confused looking, colorful question mark ,onto this post. It is a goal to learn how to do it and to put appropriate images onto all of my previous blogs.
I love seeing the images that both Mary and especially Jen, who is our most present blogger have used with their blogs. Jen's recent question mark inspired me and I have loved her hammer over the scale photo.
I am happy to be back from my stay at Mary's and I was happy being there. They are a very loving and gracious family. I did learn from the experience that it is still important to me to be the captain of my own ship. It is an important part of aging to have some responsibilities, something to take care of plus enough interests in life to want to get up every morning. I have a strong work ethic inherited from my parents. They also left me with a sane attitude about the uses of money including an ethic about not living above one's income. Further I was inculcated with a sense of caring about and being informed about the larger community. My parents were very aware of and interested in the events and politics of the nation. I was born into our large Irish clan and community was an integral part of life. We were taught tolerance, that there was a basic equality particularly an equality of opportunity that was a right. We were not stupid - we saw differences in people but were encouraged to not see ourselves as higher or lower than those around us. Values such as these have stood the test of time and I have gratitude for them and hope to have witnessed them for my own children and grandchildren.
Two natures seem to dwell side by side in me. I am very social and love other people's stories. I have said that I am a person who likes going to other people's children's recitals - to look at the photos that are meaningful to them. I enjoy being out in the world among the energy manifested especially at night through lights and music. There is something intriguing about listening to the murmur of a crowd, seeing the animated faces, smiling without knowing why.
My other nature seeks and appreciates solitude. I contentedly spend hours alone enjoying the beauty that I am constantly creating around me. I have written before of watching a breeze moving the trees, the setting sun lighting a fire in a hundred roses, the stillness or busyness of my small graceful pool, the strange exotic light of a coming storm - any number of images that solitude makes room for. I read, meditate, reflect and sense the silence that is more than the absence of noise.
Physically my world can be and is very small. But in solitude I find myself impelled to go beyond the smallness of the egoic world that is inside me. It often feels confining, like a trap or being in a cage. Yet desiring to leave I don't fully, even with the door open.
I am being lived as one aging through these two natures and their inclinations. Having just celebrated my 83rd birthday I am grateful for the privelege of having had such an extended journey.
I had no idea what was to be said today. Having had so many years of experiences it is delightful to be surprised still by oneself. For now the question mark may be at rest.

Silent Sunday

I am noticing the past few months that LIFE has been pulling me away from my usual routines. It is my custom upon awakening, after peeing and combing my hair, to clean my hearing aids and take my blood pressure. Now,instead, I will find myself finishing the book I had to close at midnight or sitting at the computer reading e-mail or harvesting a crop on Farmville. I could never relate to people who were still in their nightclothes at 2 in the afternoon. Now I have become one of them.
I don't plan these changes. They just show up. I look down my shirt (or nightgown) and ask myself "Who is this that is behaving so unlike me!?"
Another thing of which I am aware is how drawn I am of late to solitude. Silence, stillness have always had an appeal. I will usually choose them over even music which gives me such joy.
I moved into this house three years ago in April. The morning I awoke after the first night in the house I looked out over the back yard;the trees, the flowers, the quiet water of the pool and the first word that came to mind was SERENE.
Phil has recently pruned the overgrown greenery above the back wall. Instead of just a mass of green we can now see the trunks of the trees with sky glinting among the leaves. Shadows have appeared suggesting secrets. The impression is that of looking into a glade, perhaps even a sanctuary.
As I reflected quietly on the scene images began to appear from a long ago trip to a Benedictine monastery in Germany. I am high on a hill overlooking the monastery farm nestled below in a copse of trees, the view sweeping away across miles and miles of neat patches of farmland dotted with red-roofed farmhouses and barns, the cattle appearing like toys in a child's play set - the sounds distant and muted; the soft lowing of the cows, a triumphant rooster crow, the hum of a tractor. Then I am lying on my back in the prickly grass beneath a cherry tree pulling the cherries off from the branches above, the firm red fruit warm with the sun and bursting with juice - exploring the honey house where the waxy cones are being processed by the monks, the air alive with the thrum of bees working the nearby hives in the service of their queen and of their intincts - kneeling by a pond tucked under the kindness of shade and dipping out a handful of wee tadpoles, wet and wriggly and cold against my palm - awe that these tiny beings were destined to become huge, fat bullfrogs with big croaky voices - like acorns that become mighty oaks or miniscule egg and sperm that become us!
This silent Sunday morning I am once again surveying the back yard. I see pots of color; orange, pink, purple and blue. I see the arbor above the waterfall frosted with the new green of the wisteria vine, the bright yellow spill of Texas Yellow Bells on the rear wall, the fig making its' way neat and tight as it reaches sideways across the stucco, the Queens Wreath with heart shaped leaves and flowers a cascade of pink, flinging its' elfin tendrils out above the pool beneath, the pool itself nearly still but for a barely imperceptible shimmer as it is kissed by a small breeze. Except for the occasional bark of a dog or the cuh-cuh-coo of the mourning dove it is so still I can barely hear the hum of my computer. It is as though the images outside are also inside and I am infused with the stillness of nature.
Lest you think that I have become a 'monkess' lost in a cloister I will leave you with one more scene. There are 3.4 seconds left in the fourth game between the Lakers and the Suns. I am bent forward on the purple chaise in front of the TV, fists clenched, tensed expectantly, heart pumping madly, hoping, hoping........ Kobe shoots and misses! But the rebound is tipped in. Lakers win. Suns lose. I am SCREAMING!!!!!
Love you all.

Here is poem from 1983. I was Lis' age!! It is about seeing.

Observation

With shadows settling on the shoulders of my room,
I pause to examine this quiet afternoon.

Traffics' muted sounds on Seventh Street,
My cat who walks on velvet padded feet.

Late sun splashes on dusty trees.
The drone of passing planes and bees.

The pool, a shadow-darkened blue.
The patterned pansy's purple hue.

With ears that hear and eyes that see.
I'm glad that I'm observant me.

So What's Happening?

Since I wrote a reflective blog yesterday I am going to please Jen and write a newsy one today.
Today is Jordan's 76th birthday and I am expecting him here in half an hour. I am taking him to dinner and to see the movie The Secret in their Eyes which Phil thought excellent. I don't see a lot of Jordan anymore. I don't think he has stayed overnight here in months. And that is fine with me.
Tomorrow morning Phil comes to work in the yard. We recently put in two bougainvillea on the wall bordering the driveway to complement three flowering vines that we planted last year. The colors there are fuchsia and white and I may plant clumps of white and fuchsia vinca at the base of the vines.
I am disappointed over the lack of sun in my back yard. The Lady Banksia rose did not even bloom that we have on the arbor. The sprays of green look lovely but I miss the flowers. Phil has been modifying the watering system and we have waited until he finished to go get the rest of the summer flowers. I will just do the minimum because I plan to be gone most of July.
Also tomorrow I am taking Mary and Alex Keenan to lunch at The Olive and the Ivy which is right around the corner from me at The Waterfront. They have hosted me so many times that I felt I had to stretch my budget and treat them back. They have tons more money than I do. For instance I spend $4000. - $6000. on vacation while they spend $50,000.!!!
On Friday I have a hair appt. Thank God as I am at the old lady witch stage and will be so glad to get my hair cut and curled. Then I will go to Marth's house for dinner and to spend the evening with her and Sara. They usually get together on Fridays and watch old movies.
I find that I am tiring of Farmville and will probably quit it before I go on vacation. It takes a lot of time and I have about run out of ideas about arranging the property. I feel drawn once more towards writing and I could also profit by using the time for more exercise.
I am missing the Suns/Lakers game tonight but if we play like we did on Monday it is just as well. I kept waiting for OUR SUNS to show up and they never did. The Lakers played their best and we played badly - just couldn't get baskets. I can get up a good hate for Kobe Bryant too.
Many of my shows are winding down. NCIS has it's finale next week as does Idol. Project Runway, Amazing Race and Survivor are done. Dance is coming soon and it is a great favorite.
It will be interesting to see what I do to fill in the empty time slots.
Had my cleaning girls here today and groceries delivered in the midst of their work - a bit hectic. Getting three weeks worth of product put away is a bit of a chore but even with my handicaps I can still manage. I am so grateful to be able to be so independent. When I think of my brother and sister dying at 61 and 63 respectively I am so fortunate to not only be alive but to be managing my own home.
Vacation is coming closer and closer. And the way time flies it will be here before I know it. I am going up to San Jose on July 12th and stay with Mary for two weeks before going down with her and Lis to meet Sara, Marth and Ame for a week's stay in a beach house. Then I will go back to San Jose with the girls for another week. I will be away from home for a month. Phil and Joan will stay in my house. I always find myself reluctant to leave home. But as soon as the plane lifts off the ground I leave it all behind. And the time away, the change of environment is invariably renewing.
I have been waiting for some books that I have on order: The Last Station and the 3rd in the Steig Larson trilogy. In the meantime I have been enjoying some Mary Stewart's that Marth has lent me. I read her years and years ago and had forgotten how good she is. Just reread My Brother Michael, Wildfire at Midnight and am starting Airs Above the Ground. She had also lent me The Children's Blizzard, a harrowning documentary style tale of a violent winter storm in the midwest of the 1800's. Despite all of the new technology nothing takes the place of books in my life. I truly reverence them and love owning so many.
As Porky Pig would say "That's all, folks.!!"

Nothing Special

As soon as that title popped up in my head I thought of Joko and her book by that title. Again the paradox is there as what she is teaching is that although nothing is special, everything is special. How much less stressful my life and everyone else's would be if we could truly live that reality.
Think of how we go from day to day with our " I want this and I don't want that. I want it just this way and not that way. I don't want him or her to get it because I want it." And on and on and on.
And I am not saying that what we are doing is wrong. Because as human beings it is how we are wired from the day we began to sense that we are a self. It follows that this 'self' must be defended, protected from all those other 'selves' out there with their own endless list of want and don't wants.
As a way of knowing this 'self' that we have created we can practice taking an honest look ,moment by moment, at what is actually happening, what we are doing, thinking, feeling, sensing, intuiting. The Twelve Step programs call this taking our inventory. Zen practice calls it emptying the false self (that is the one that we have created). The emptying is the process of paying such close attention that what is not conscious becomes conscious and thus evaporates.
I had a bout of this kind of unconsciousness coming to the surface over the weekend. I fell into an intense desire for romance and companionship. I have been involved with what I call the MAN thing for as long as I can remember. I have done Twelve Step programs, Zen practice, various types of therapy including Gestalt, Bioenergetics and Jungian dream analysis. From time to time I sense that the MAN thing for me is pretty emptied. And then WOW up comes all this pain, longing, yearning, tears. After so many years I should not be surprised. It is not as though it hasn't happened before.
So I let it wash through me. Wrote once more to a guy who had already indicated no interest. E-mailed an old flame that I had let go of. I just watched myself do these things without judgment.
No harm was coming to anyone as a result of my behavior. It was important to look at and experience these feelings. In this way they got out of the prison I had them in and thus were free.
In twenty four hours the storm was over. The pain left - no more yearning.
We have all these buried places like stuff long stored and locked in attics and basements. They are filled with energies wanting to be owned, to be brought up to the light of day. Until they are they cause mischief. Energy has to move and when imprisoned it moves in a distorted manner which we call neuroses. Painful though it might be to open these dark and shadowed places there is a payoff for facing all of our life, not just the parts of which we approve.
I am sure my attic and basement are not empty. But I am peaceful and relieved to have at least freed one more hidden clutch of energy this weekend.

Little Bits of This and That

I am just beginning to come out of my latest health problem which has been a bout of bursitis in the right hip. I am still having some pain walking but am very much improved from what I have been enduring the last two weeks. I am grateful because Lis arrived yesterday for her week long stay with me. I was actually able to be on my feet enough to cook dinner for us - nothing fancy but good taste and nutritious and we sat at the table and had cloth napkins.

We had a grand time last night watching the Suns beat the Spurs in game one of the second round of the playoffs.

We had a quiet morning - I did not see her until noon. Then we had a two hour conversation about Adya's teachings which was very stimulating. She is presently out shopping with Marth who came by after school. They are shopping for Amy's birthday.

Ame will have a pajama party here on her birthday - Friday. I had taken from her that she did not want a lot of fuss so thought we would probably have take out and a birthday cake and presents. But Lis likes to do things up in a big way and has offered to cook and decorate. This is all fine with me as long as I don't have to do more than appreciate it. Just don't have the physical energy for it.

I realized in pondering my preparations for her stay that my fatigue from the pain had eroded some of my planning energy. I did not ask her what types of food or drink she would like me to have in the house (I always do that for guests). It did not even cross my mind. She is an avid coffee drinker and I don't even have a coffee maker!

But I did change all the bed and bath linen and put out fresh kleenix and soap. And put a mint on the pillow. I realized that I had shifted from the over the top person that I used to be. I myself have given lots of fancy parties requiring lots of time and effort. That is just not where I am anymore. So I will benefit as will everyone else from her energy. She is a great party giver and a great cook and tremendously creative.

Saturday night we will go out to dinner with Jordan and a new friend of his from the Mankind group. This guy is a very talented poet and a singer who does professional gigs around the Valley. Taking account of how bright and interesting Lis is the dinner table conversation should be quite stimulating.

Thursday afternoon I am hosting Lis, Danny, Christy and Jen for tea. Lis might want to jazz that up a bit too. Tea for me is just tea and conversation. Then the five of us will go over to Julio's and join a large portion of the family for dinner. This is Jen's party and a way to see a lot of family without making individual plans. There are just too many of us for that. It gets very tiring.

There is great golf on this weekend starting on Thursday. I see no time for golf on Thursday but Friday Lis will go shopping again with Sara and maybe I can catch up and watch some of Friday as well. Saturday I should fit a bit in and maybe Sunday night.

As Sunday is Mother's Day Lis wants to make a nice breakfast and have Marth join us. Because my mother has died and Marth is the only daughter not a mother she and I have traditionally spent some time together on Mother's Day. Also Mike and family have come out to visit the past couple of years. About the only time I see them except for the major holidays. I always enjoy them and suggest we get together more often but it just does not happen.

We also have more basketball to fit in as the Suns play again on Wednesday night and then sometime on the weekend.

I will post some of Raymondo's poetry some time - the fellow we will have dinner with on Saturday. I think he has a lot of talent.

I am not presently doing any writing except for journaling and I don't even do that on a daily basis which used to be my habit.

Lis was questioning in our talk why some people are so stuck in their conditioning and others are able to get free and blossom. As I have pondered her question what comes up for me is simply that that is what is happening. We don't question why is the color blue, blue. It just is.

LIFE manifests in an infinite variety of ways. When we are limited to the egoic view of things they are right and wrong, good and bad, satisfying or unsatisfying etc. Getting outside of the egoic view things just are. Moment by moment - this, and this, and this.

We have been going down birthday alley for some time. We had Sara on Valentine's day followed by Jane, Marth, Lis, Flynn, Sharon, Connor, Max, Danny and we have coming up on the 7th Amy's 5oth. After Jordan on the 19th we have no one until late July.

Seamless

I am on my fourth day of the flu. It is not a severe case but I have been taking very good care of myself. Due to the pain level I have been living at for the last 8 months (and not taking any pain meds) I have been very tired. I am using this period of having the flu to get a good rest before going back to my normal routine. I am also not spending a lot of time in bed because I have a cough and congested chest and do not want to invite pneumonia. The computer is being a great resource of entertainment and brain sharpening and creativity. I have once more reorganized my space in Farmville (creative) and have played some Bookworm Adventure games (brain sharpeners).
This morning as I was getting out of bed I glanced down at my leg. It appeared to have a seam running straight down the center of the front. In my nightgown with bedhead I felt like an old floppy doll (but one very much akin to the Velveteen Rabbit (very timely image). My mind then jumped back to my college days during WWll when we wore nylon stockings with seams down the back. One fashion obligation was to keep one's seams straight. And so on to more thoughts about seams.
I pondered how it is that 'seamlessly' is used in a positive manner. For me the meaning is that whatever one is attempting it is more valued if it just flows - no effort, no stops and starts (seams then needed to hold it together). No question that this feels wonderful when it happens but it does not seem to be how we humans function very much of the time. Our attempt's
are filled with starts and stops, struggles, successes and failures. Lots of seams.
My 'seams' this morning seemed to reflect exactly that - a sort of map of exploration, discovery, ups and downs - far from seamlessly.
And wrinkles are sort of like seams. As we lose elasticity and oils we begin to shrivel and make what look like lots of little seams. Many in our culture get these 'seams' erased through plastic surgery. I have tried to honor the aging process by allowing it to happen. I want my face to reflect my own hands and not the hands of someone thirty five or even fifty-five. I want my aging process to be seamless while still manifesting seams. Paradox. It is where we always find the good stuff.
I will leave you the reader to meditate on your own 'seams'. Bless them - they are your LIFE.
Just some random thoughts - like Jen's blog today - on a serene and beautiful Tuesday in Scottsdale AZ.