So What's Happening?

Since I wrote a reflective blog yesterday I am going to please Jen and write a newsy one today.
Today is Jordan's 76th birthday and I am expecting him here in half an hour. I am taking him to dinner and to see the movie The Secret in their Eyes which Phil thought excellent. I don't see a lot of Jordan anymore. I don't think he has stayed overnight here in months. And that is fine with me.
Tomorrow morning Phil comes to work in the yard. We recently put in two bougainvillea on the wall bordering the driveway to complement three flowering vines that we planted last year. The colors there are fuchsia and white and I may plant clumps of white and fuchsia vinca at the base of the vines.
I am disappointed over the lack of sun in my back yard. The Lady Banksia rose did not even bloom that we have on the arbor. The sprays of green look lovely but I miss the flowers. Phil has been modifying the watering system and we have waited until he finished to go get the rest of the summer flowers. I will just do the minimum because I plan to be gone most of July.
Also tomorrow I am taking Mary and Alex Keenan to lunch at The Olive and the Ivy which is right around the corner from me at The Waterfront. They have hosted me so many times that I felt I had to stretch my budget and treat them back. They have tons more money than I do. For instance I spend $4000. - $6000. on vacation while they spend $50,000.!!!
On Friday I have a hair appt. Thank God as I am at the old lady witch stage and will be so glad to get my hair cut and curled. Then I will go to Marth's house for dinner and to spend the evening with her and Sara. They usually get together on Fridays and watch old movies.
I find that I am tiring of Farmville and will probably quit it before I go on vacation. It takes a lot of time and I have about run out of ideas about arranging the property. I feel drawn once more towards writing and I could also profit by using the time for more exercise.
I am missing the Suns/Lakers game tonight but if we play like we did on Monday it is just as well. I kept waiting for OUR SUNS to show up and they never did. The Lakers played their best and we played badly - just couldn't get baskets. I can get up a good hate for Kobe Bryant too.
Many of my shows are winding down. NCIS has it's finale next week as does Idol. Project Runway, Amazing Race and Survivor are done. Dance is coming soon and it is a great favorite.
It will be interesting to see what I do to fill in the empty time slots.
Had my cleaning girls here today and groceries delivered in the midst of their work - a bit hectic. Getting three weeks worth of product put away is a bit of a chore but even with my handicaps I can still manage. I am so grateful to be able to be so independent. When I think of my brother and sister dying at 61 and 63 respectively I am so fortunate to not only be alive but to be managing my own home.
Vacation is coming closer and closer. And the way time flies it will be here before I know it. I am going up to San Jose on July 12th and stay with Mary for two weeks before going down with her and Lis to meet Sara, Marth and Ame for a week's stay in a beach house. Then I will go back to San Jose with the girls for another week. I will be away from home for a month. Phil and Joan will stay in my house. I always find myself reluctant to leave home. But as soon as the plane lifts off the ground I leave it all behind. And the time away, the change of environment is invariably renewing.
I have been waiting for some books that I have on order: The Last Station and the 3rd in the Steig Larson trilogy. In the meantime I have been enjoying some Mary Stewart's that Marth has lent me. I read her years and years ago and had forgotten how good she is. Just reread My Brother Michael, Wildfire at Midnight and am starting Airs Above the Ground. She had also lent me The Children's Blizzard, a harrowning documentary style tale of a violent winter storm in the midwest of the 1800's. Despite all of the new technology nothing takes the place of books in my life. I truly reverence them and love owning so many.
As Porky Pig would say "That's all, folks.!!"

Nothing Special

As soon as that title popped up in my head I thought of Joko and her book by that title. Again the paradox is there as what she is teaching is that although nothing is special, everything is special. How much less stressful my life and everyone else's would be if we could truly live that reality.
Think of how we go from day to day with our " I want this and I don't want that. I want it just this way and not that way. I don't want him or her to get it because I want it." And on and on and on.
And I am not saying that what we are doing is wrong. Because as human beings it is how we are wired from the day we began to sense that we are a self. It follows that this 'self' must be defended, protected from all those other 'selves' out there with their own endless list of want and don't wants.
As a way of knowing this 'self' that we have created we can practice taking an honest look ,moment by moment, at what is actually happening, what we are doing, thinking, feeling, sensing, intuiting. The Twelve Step programs call this taking our inventory. Zen practice calls it emptying the false self (that is the one that we have created). The emptying is the process of paying such close attention that what is not conscious becomes conscious and thus evaporates.
I had a bout of this kind of unconsciousness coming to the surface over the weekend. I fell into an intense desire for romance and companionship. I have been involved with what I call the MAN thing for as long as I can remember. I have done Twelve Step programs, Zen practice, various types of therapy including Gestalt, Bioenergetics and Jungian dream analysis. From time to time I sense that the MAN thing for me is pretty emptied. And then WOW up comes all this pain, longing, yearning, tears. After so many years I should not be surprised. It is not as though it hasn't happened before.
So I let it wash through me. Wrote once more to a guy who had already indicated no interest. E-mailed an old flame that I had let go of. I just watched myself do these things without judgment.
No harm was coming to anyone as a result of my behavior. It was important to look at and experience these feelings. In this way they got out of the prison I had them in and thus were free.
In twenty four hours the storm was over. The pain left - no more yearning.
We have all these buried places like stuff long stored and locked in attics and basements. They are filled with energies wanting to be owned, to be brought up to the light of day. Until they are they cause mischief. Energy has to move and when imprisoned it moves in a distorted manner which we call neuroses. Painful though it might be to open these dark and shadowed places there is a payoff for facing all of our life, not just the parts of which we approve.
I am sure my attic and basement are not empty. But I am peaceful and relieved to have at least freed one more hidden clutch of energy this weekend.

Little Bits of This and That

I am just beginning to come out of my latest health problem which has been a bout of bursitis in the right hip. I am still having some pain walking but am very much improved from what I have been enduring the last two weeks. I am grateful because Lis arrived yesterday for her week long stay with me. I was actually able to be on my feet enough to cook dinner for us - nothing fancy but good taste and nutritious and we sat at the table and had cloth napkins.

We had a grand time last night watching the Suns beat the Spurs in game one of the second round of the playoffs.

We had a quiet morning - I did not see her until noon. Then we had a two hour conversation about Adya's teachings which was very stimulating. She is presently out shopping with Marth who came by after school. They are shopping for Amy's birthday.

Ame will have a pajama party here on her birthday - Friday. I had taken from her that she did not want a lot of fuss so thought we would probably have take out and a birthday cake and presents. But Lis likes to do things up in a big way and has offered to cook and decorate. This is all fine with me as long as I don't have to do more than appreciate it. Just don't have the physical energy for it.

I realized in pondering my preparations for her stay that my fatigue from the pain had eroded some of my planning energy. I did not ask her what types of food or drink she would like me to have in the house (I always do that for guests). It did not even cross my mind. She is an avid coffee drinker and I don't even have a coffee maker!

But I did change all the bed and bath linen and put out fresh kleenix and soap. And put a mint on the pillow. I realized that I had shifted from the over the top person that I used to be. I myself have given lots of fancy parties requiring lots of time and effort. That is just not where I am anymore. So I will benefit as will everyone else from her energy. She is a great party giver and a great cook and tremendously creative.

Saturday night we will go out to dinner with Jordan and a new friend of his from the Mankind group. This guy is a very talented poet and a singer who does professional gigs around the Valley. Taking account of how bright and interesting Lis is the dinner table conversation should be quite stimulating.

Thursday afternoon I am hosting Lis, Danny, Christy and Jen for tea. Lis might want to jazz that up a bit too. Tea for me is just tea and conversation. Then the five of us will go over to Julio's and join a large portion of the family for dinner. This is Jen's party and a way to see a lot of family without making individual plans. There are just too many of us for that. It gets very tiring.

There is great golf on this weekend starting on Thursday. I see no time for golf on Thursday but Friday Lis will go shopping again with Sara and maybe I can catch up and watch some of Friday as well. Saturday I should fit a bit in and maybe Sunday night.

As Sunday is Mother's Day Lis wants to make a nice breakfast and have Marth join us. Because my mother has died and Marth is the only daughter not a mother she and I have traditionally spent some time together on Mother's Day. Also Mike and family have come out to visit the past couple of years. About the only time I see them except for the major holidays. I always enjoy them and suggest we get together more often but it just does not happen.

We also have more basketball to fit in as the Suns play again on Wednesday night and then sometime on the weekend.

I will post some of Raymondo's poetry some time - the fellow we will have dinner with on Saturday. I think he has a lot of talent.

I am not presently doing any writing except for journaling and I don't even do that on a daily basis which used to be my habit.

Lis was questioning in our talk why some people are so stuck in their conditioning and others are able to get free and blossom. As I have pondered her question what comes up for me is simply that that is what is happening. We don't question why is the color blue, blue. It just is.

LIFE manifests in an infinite variety of ways. When we are limited to the egoic view of things they are right and wrong, good and bad, satisfying or unsatisfying etc. Getting outside of the egoic view things just are. Moment by moment - this, and this, and this.

We have been going down birthday alley for some time. We had Sara on Valentine's day followed by Jane, Marth, Lis, Flynn, Sharon, Connor, Max, Danny and we have coming up on the 7th Amy's 5oth. After Jordan on the 19th we have no one until late July.

Seamless

I am on my fourth day of the flu. It is not a severe case but I have been taking very good care of myself. Due to the pain level I have been living at for the last 8 months (and not taking any pain meds) I have been very tired. I am using this period of having the flu to get a good rest before going back to my normal routine. I am also not spending a lot of time in bed because I have a cough and congested chest and do not want to invite pneumonia. The computer is being a great resource of entertainment and brain sharpening and creativity. I have once more reorganized my space in Farmville (creative) and have played some Bookworm Adventure games (brain sharpeners).
This morning as I was getting out of bed I glanced down at my leg. It appeared to have a seam running straight down the center of the front. In my nightgown with bedhead I felt like an old floppy doll (but one very much akin to the Velveteen Rabbit (very timely image). My mind then jumped back to my college days during WWll when we wore nylon stockings with seams down the back. One fashion obligation was to keep one's seams straight. And so on to more thoughts about seams.
I pondered how it is that 'seamlessly' is used in a positive manner. For me the meaning is that whatever one is attempting it is more valued if it just flows - no effort, no stops and starts (seams then needed to hold it together). No question that this feels wonderful when it happens but it does not seem to be how we humans function very much of the time. Our attempt's
are filled with starts and stops, struggles, successes and failures. Lots of seams.
My 'seams' this morning seemed to reflect exactly that - a sort of map of exploration, discovery, ups and downs - far from seamlessly.
And wrinkles are sort of like seams. As we lose elasticity and oils we begin to shrivel and make what look like lots of little seams. Many in our culture get these 'seams' erased through plastic surgery. I have tried to honor the aging process by allowing it to happen. I want my face to reflect my own hands and not the hands of someone thirty five or even fifty-five. I want my aging process to be seamless while still manifesting seams. Paradox. It is where we always find the good stuff.
I will leave you the reader to meditate on your own 'seams'. Bless them - they are your LIFE.
Just some random thoughts - like Jen's blog today - on a serene and beautiful Tuesday in Scottsdale AZ.

Reflections on family

I grew up in a small town heavily populated with relatives. My neighborhood was composed of my grandfather's house, our house and the houses of my mother's brother's and sister: Dave, Donnie, Dick and Margie. My Uncle Charlie lived in town but not in our neighborhood. My Uncles Orrin and Billy died in their twenties as did my Aunt Anna. Uncle Connie played minor league baseball and travelled with the team. As a result of all this proximity I played daily with anywhere from 12 - 15 first cousins
I so enjoyed this sense of belonging in community that I always aspired to have several children. I recall that in High School I would write down the name of my current boyfriend and then my name if married to him and then number and name at least six children. I so thoroughly enjoyed my rural upbringing that at one point my dream life was to marry a very handsome boyfriend who planned to become a country doctor. We would have a large family, live on a farm and raise our own food and animals. What a far cry from the corporate wife life that I actually did lead!
But, I got my large family.
And it is about them I find myself reflecting today. Yesterday was Lisa's fifty-sixth birthday and she was very much on my mind. We talked recently and made plans for her to come for an extended visit before the hot weather.
Yesterday I had a lovely day celebrating Martha's birthday which was on Feb. 28th this year. She is a leap year child and was technically turning 13.5 years old. We headed out for The Farm for lunch only to discover it closed. Not to be daunted in our pursuit of a good time and good food we went on to the Bluewater Grill Seafood Restaurant on Camelback and 8th St. The food was as good as any I have had in many years of eating out in the Valley. We shared ecstatically silly grins as we savored our way through a great lunch. Then on to Berridge's nursery where the sensory delights were further gratified by the gorgeous array of Spring flowers.
Late today I will be enjoying Amy's company. She is coming by to have dinner with me and to watch American Idol. We will have a simple meal as with my pain level I don't spend too much time on my feet. We will have frozen turkey dinners and a fresh salad of tomatoes, carrots, celery, onion, avacado and walnuts with a choice of dressing. I had made a breadpudding over the weekend and that will be dessert with a dollop of black cherry jam and some whipped cream. She was here on Saturday for a couple of hours. We toured my garden, she put some photos on the computer for me and we played some Farmville.
I have been wanting to see a sports medicine doctor for my knee and Michael helped me get on the inside track because as a Brophy team coach he knows Chris White who is Brophy's sports manager. Chris is a personal friend of Dr. Michael Lee. Dr. Lee is the team doctor for the Cardinals and the Diamondbacks and specializes in knees. He also volunteers as the sports medicine doctor for Brophy teams. He is a Brophy grad and this is his way of giving back. Going through the front office I had been turned down as they aren't taking any new Medicare patients. So I hope I have luck using networking. I really appreciate my Michael's help.
This Friday I will see Christy who is the widow of Johnnie my oldest son. We plan to go out to eat in some nice place where we can have a leisurely meal and catch up. We often do movies together but this week prefer to visit.
Next week I will go to Amy's son Connor's performance in Grease . I will go with Danny who as many of you know lives out in jabip. I enjoy his company so much and we keep up on the phone regulary.
I was so delighted the other day to see a video introducing her new business that Mary has made. She comes across as so knowledgeable, grounded, clear, warm and welcoming. I think she is headed for stardom!
Although we mostly communicate via computer I love following the interesting life of Sara as she travels the country installing a software program that saves her company tons of money. And I admire her energy as she travels regularly to NAU to share her children's lives. Lastly I find the manner in which she manifests her creativity astounding.
Because I came from a generation that saw the men out working in the world and the women manning the home fires I raised my daughters to be able to take care of themselves financially.
I did not learn to do that and I am in awe of how well my daughters have succeeded in providing for themselves.
And so today I find myself graced and grateful that I followed through with my dream and grew my very own special community.

Will include my usual piece of poetry today. This was written in memory of my Uncle Pete. He was married to my Aunt Margie, lived next door to me until I married at twenty and moved away. He was like a second father.

Uncle Pete Remembered

A sweet man with the clean, shiny face of a child
who spent a lfetime, in the old-fashioned way
doing the same task in the crayon factory.
And a lifetime, in the old-fashioned way
of marriage to Marg.

Coloring inside the lines of
work
fatherhood
what it was to be a
husband
friend
and neighbor.

And there was time for me, though niece,
the daughter that he never had.
On school nights I'd slip next door to visit -
Aunt Marg ironing,
Uncle Pete sitting at the kitchen table
pipe smoke drifting to the ceiling.
The kitchen warm with good smells of
dinner just cleared away.
And they'd ask to hear about my day -
my life always a kind of drama,
they, captivated audience.

Many years later I visited them in Florida
in a cheerful, sunlit mobile home
flag flapping on a pole outside the
kitchen window,
bird feeders nourishing a host of
flying friends.
Pete now part deaf, part blind
and crippled from bone disease.
But still that sweet, clean shiny face of
a child.
The same joy in seeing me again.

A last visit at the nursing home
in Maine.
Luncheon out and a stop at my cousin's home
nearby.
Pete's mind now much confused - not always knowing
who we were.
Marg frail, herself not far from death.
Still from both the welcoming embrace
the interest in my life,
the sharing of theirs.

Never intimate but in their own way
loving.
Like second parents who healed a lot of hurts.
Making of family a holy word.

Thank you all for being who you are - holy.

Something Wants to Be Expressed

I have been moved to blog for several days now but have not put anything on paper. I make notes on ideas and images that seem to have a poem in them. I will say to myself "There is a poem here." I came across some scribblings to that effect in a note book I keep for that purpose - a place to put the random stuff that shows up. Here is what is bubbling in the stew pot.

On Poetry

How is it that most modern poetry has freed itself from form?
Prose displays itself in patterns. It comes to us wearing the clothes of poetry.
Where is rhyme, music, rhythm?
What to do with this?
It is not about a poem per se but is more a curiosity about how poetry has changed.
What comes up is how much I like change. At first I find I am missing what used to be but I quickly move into the excitement over possibilities - what is yet to come.
And all the while reminding myself that there is really nothing outside this very moment.

Stuff coming up about illusion.

Pretending


You sit on the bank
and watch the swimmers
in the river.
"Come in, they cry to you
but you just watch in silence.
"Just put your toe in!" one demands.
Still you don't move.
You want them to pretend with you
that you are swimming too.
"See me splashing", you say.
Look at how I can kick."
But now they have gone
downstream.
Soon-
out of sight.
You sit there on the bank
waiting for more swimmers
to appear.
To help you keep
pretending.

Perhaps a poem is here in what follows-

The rain is painting my adobe wall
with a tentative brush -
Faint lines appear
sliding hesitantly towards
the garden below.
Is it holding back the storm
or simply waiting for it?

Another attempt at the poem about Martha
realizing how the desert is church.

Martha in the Desert.

Beneath a pale early moon
like a pain dimmed soul
She is
walking, walking, walking.

Ravaged by the pain,
Savaged by loneliness,
raging at God.

Spirit out ahead in a
ceaseless wind.
Calling, calling-


"Follow me."

Can't stop for the
purple lupin stain,
the amber gold sunset,
can't stop to feel the
wind
or the wink of
the first star.
Can't stop.,
Can't stop.

Follow.
follow,
follow.

Being with the pain.
Being the pain.
Driven by the pain.
Running from the pain.

Moving,
moving,
moving.

Enjoying this quiet grey Saturday afternoon. I am TIVOing golf to watch later. I don't like to watch every stroke so when I TIVO I can then pick and choose what I want to see.
Just finished five days back on my eating and exercise program. Will relax over the weekend and eat a bit more and then back at it on Monday. I am very close to the 140's which I have not seen in 20 years. Jen and Phil are my inspiration. He has lost 15 pounds and is doing an intense exercise program and she is absolutely amazing!
I watched the ladies medal skate last night and was very moved by their various stories. I have not been that caught up in the Olympics this time around. I think you have to watch almost everything to get to know the athletes and their sport. Just dipping in here and there does not do it for me. And I have other shows that have priority so don't have the time, or don't choose to spend my time watching hours and hours of Olympics.
I bought Bookworm Adventures and am having great fun with it. It offers a variety of games. I like the word games the best and although I have never liked the pressure of timed games I am playing them and getting better at thinking under pressure.
I have found a sports medicine doctor and will make an appointment for some time in April. His name is Michael Lee. He is the doctor for the Diamondbacks and the AZ Cardinals. He is also a Brophy grad and is the volunteer sports doctor for Brophy teams. I imagine Mike knows him or of him.
I have ordered some new books. I have been without a read for a couple of weeks. I am trying to economize in all areas of my budget. I mean to investigate the book swap that Mary does online but have not as yet done that. I do love owning books. I have my library pretty well organized but have more work to do on it. And I need to cull books out that I don't care to own and donate them to the visiting nurses sale.
Will finish up today with another poem of mine - one of the ones I consider finished.

Rainbow: Here and Not Here

Dylan, Martha's finch,
a bright, feathered rainbow,
has been my house guest
now a week.
Lighting up my winter
darkened dining room
with his cheery presence.

While greeting him this morning
I spied another rainbow
nestled in a corner of the fireplace.
Just a piece, it was, mostly purple
with a splash of blue and green,
tucked there for a moment
while the sun stopped to visit with
a crystal hanging in my window.

Its' visit, transient, like Dylan's
not to be grasped or clung to
Like all our life, a temporary gift,
now here, and then not here.

Love you all,
Jeannie

Extemporaneous

I had no idea that I knew how to spell that word! And I have no idea what I am going to say in this post. I got up much earlier than usual this morning. At seven instead of eight or nine. It has given me such a nice work day and I have done a lot of different things. I meditated, had a nice breakfast, read one of Adya's poems from My Secret is Silence, read some news, played Farmville and one of my Bookworm Adventure games. For those who enjoyed Bookworm this new version is a lot of fun. I did some dead heading and pruning in my garden. It is time to cut the roses way back - a prickly job at best.
Phil came at eight - my reason for getting up early. We have been organizing the garage and are almost finished. What a difference. I have lots of cupboards and we have been able to put things out of sight that were lying about on the floor in a clutter. And organizing always means I can now retrieve things -no point in having them if you can't find them. He has put up on the walls a series of boards with hooks so that all of our tools are hanging in plain sight - no more trying to pull the hoe out from behind seven other tools.
He is also working on elevating the garden area behind the waterfall so that we can plant things that will spill down over the boulders. And he has put soil in between boulders and we have plants peeking out and spilling down as in a rock garden. In the same area we have the new arbor and will be planting a wisteria come Spring and some other vine that does not require a lot of sun as the area is on the shady side.
I have managed forty minutes on my bike so far today - again a benefit of getting up earlier. And I watched a half hour of the Pebble Beach golf. My favorite golfer as most of you know is Phil Mickelson. So far in two tournaments he has not played his best golf - coming in nineteenth and forty fifth. And today he is not on the front page of the leader board which does not bode well. He plays his best golf on the golf courses of the west. So far not so good.
I will be going out late today with Christy. Our plan is to go over to Remington's and have appetizers and a drink for dinner while listening to music in the lounge. I am hoping I can prop my leg up somewhere as I cannot at present sit with my knee bent. No bar stool for me for sure.
Amy and Connor and I had a fun Sunday watching the SuperBowl. She made some pigs in a blanket - delicious crust, and some delicious hamburg sliders. We had cookies and Cracker Jacks for dessert.
Connor had become enchanted with the novella Flatland written in the 1800's. It is a social satire of Victorian mores, especially on the status of women and on the British class system. But more importantly it introduces the idea of other dimensions than those that we know. He had printed it up off the internet and had me take it home to read. I did this in the next two evenings and then as is my wont I looked it up on the internet. Turns out there are at least six sequels. I had suggested to him that since he was so excited about it he try writing a third chapter (the book has two chapters). He wasn't sure he wanted to tackle that. And there are films as well and a reading list of books dealing with the idea of other dimensions. Exciting for me was how this all dove-tailed with Adya's teachings which can be seen as being about the fourth dimension. i read an interesting paper on just that. -
Lis had touted a mystery writer who would be new to me for some time. She finally gave me two of his books for my birthday. The writer is James Lee Burke and he is the finest mystery writer i have read - right up there with P.D. James but for entirely different reasons. He is the Michael Ondaatje of mystery writers in that he is fundamentally a poet. His descriptions of place are exquisitely done. After reading the first two books I bought two more and am delighted that he is very prolificic and I have many reading treats ahead.
I will leave you today with a poem - one of mine-

THE WOUND

Is there a woman without the Wound?
That never mattering enough
to father,
to husband.
to lover.

Shrinking daily from the blows
of not good enough.
Yearning for tenderness,
for touch,
for cherishment.

Learning as the years go by
to hug the pain close
as an old, worn coat,
more familiar than joy.

Love you all,
Jeannie