A Bouquet of Poetry

The image above is  of The Garden of the Poets located in Seville, Spain. It  is an appropriate image for the bouquet of verses that I choose to share with you today. In a recent poem, Ode to Rilke and Other Poets Who Go Deep, I thanked these poets for the tools they used to help wake me up. I will be showing you examples of these tools by selecting verses that I find especially powerful. (I know some of you are not poetry fans so you might want to stop reading right here).

I'll begin with a very young poet whose life was very short. In his poem "About the Author" he writes:

I am Mattie J.T. Stepanek
My body has light skin,
Red blood, blue eyes and blond hair.
Since I have mitachrondrial myopathy,
I even have a trach, a ventilator and oxygen.
Very poetic, I am and very smart, too.
I am always brainstorming idea and stories.
I am a survivor, but some day I will see,
My two brothers and one sister in Heaven.
When I grow up I plan to become
A father, a writer, a public speaker,
And most of all a peacemaker.
Whoever I am and whatever happens,
I will always love my body and my mind,
Even if it has different abilities
Then other peoples' bodies and minds.
I will always be happy, because
I will always be me.

Michael Ondaatje makes a contribution as he calls to one of my favorite poets Rilke.

Oh, Rilke, I want to sit down calm like you
or pace the castle, avoiding the path ot the cook, Carlo,
who believes down to his turnip soup
that you speak in the voice of the devil.
I want the long lines my friend spoke of
that bamboo which sways muttering
like wooden teeth in the slim volume I have
with its childlike drawing of Duino Castle.
I have circled your book for years
like a wave combing
the green hair of the sea
kept it with me, your name
a password in the alley...........


And in a poem entitled Light he remembers various family members whose tintype photos line his walls..

Midnight storm. Trees walking off across the fields in fury
naked in the spark of lightning,
I sit on the white porch on the brown hanging cane chair
coffee in my hand midnight storm midsummer night.
The past, friends and family, drift into the rain shower,
Those relatives in my favourite slides
re-shot for old minute photgraphs so they now stand
complex ambiguous grainy on my wall.

This is my Uncle who turned up for his marriage
on an elephant. He was a chaplain..........

My Grandmother, who went to a dance in a muslin dress
with fireflies captured and embedded in the cloth, shining
and witty. This calm beautiful face
organized wild acts in the tropics..........

Adyashanti in his poem I Will Not Whisper challenges us like a sword run through the heart.

I want to speak to you about Love
about how you deny yourself
its slightest entry
about how much you truly fear
Love's silent embrace.

I want to talk to you
about what you will not
allow yourself to see---
about that beauty inside
that you turn your face from.

Yes, I want to talk to you
You who have somehow
found a way to hide within a sliver of darkness
cast upon the pure light of Being.

I want to talk to you.
I will not whisper.............

More straight talk in A Tendency to Shine

If you prefer smoke over fire
then get up now and leave.
For I do not intend to perfume
your mind's clothing
with more sooty knowledge,
No, I have something else in mind.

Today I hold a flame in my left hand
and a sword in my right.
There will be no damage control today.

For God is in a mood
to plunder your riches and
fling you nakedly
into such breathtaking poverty
that all that will be left of you
will be a tendency to shine..........

Robert Bly, noted poet and translator offers the following comment in his translation of Tomas Transtromer's The Half-finished Heaven. Transtromer recently received the Nobel prize for poetry.
Bly writes:  "It was Rilke who created the metaphor that poets are "bees of the invisible."  Making honey of the invisible suggests that the artist remains close to his own earthly history,but moves as well toward the spiritual and the invisible.  As an artist, Transtromer seems to be steadied by such effotst, and by the example of other European poets who have done so."

An excerpt from one of Transtromer's poems-

The five instruments play. I go home through warm woods
where the earth is springy under my feet,
curl up like someone still unborn, sleep, roll on so weight-
lessly into the future, suddenly understand that plants
are thinking.....

a musician himself and very influenced by music he addresses Listz:

When Liszt plays tonight he holds down the sea-pedal so that
the ocean's green force
rises through the floor and penetrates every stone of the building.
Good evening to you, beautiful deep!

And of himself he writes:

I dreamt that I had sketched piano keys out
on the kitchen table. I played on the without a sound.
Neighbors came by to listen.

Joe had a friend and teacher at Loyola, Fr. Ed Ingebretsen, SJ. Ed is a gifted poet. He gave me the gift of a book containing the drafts of poems soon to be published in a book entitled Psalms of the Still Country.
Here is a poem he wrote to Joe in 1981


The grace of surprise--
as perhaps sudden rain
to my heart is,
as the quick quiet of peace
is, following the storm.

Joseph
it rains in my heart
and the winds blow a choir
when I consider
how you surprise me.

You teach me beauty
and its one great terror:
Longing.
How our hands reach
always beyond what they catch.

In your image all I long for
--the eternals and meanings
of the good, final God--
take form, flesh,
stretch into sudden possibility.

You have the seasons
of the sea: the churn
and toss, the restlessness
of water going deep.
May I say: you remind me
of me, without the tatters.

Joe, I've always feared
to come undone--that is,
touched by God
and made over--
and love
always undoes me
like a shoelace.

thank you.

I spent a summer up in Taos some years ago. My neighbor, Mary Johnson was a poet. From her book Comets and Carnelians I have chosen the poem Stone Rabbit. He was very familiar to me as I gazed upon him outside my window for two months as I worked on my book Mstory,

Stone Rabbit

Beneath the giddy hollyhock,
In scarlet, gold and lavender of garden
opulence,
He sits immobile but alert,
One glassy eye attentive to the gate
Where children shout their way from school
on Don Fernando Road.
His paws immersed in sweet alyssums's foam,
His nose impervious to insect cavalcade,
He stolidly endures the sumer sun.
The dousing of the careless watering can
And all the weather's vagaries
Until the day when frigid temperatures
Persuade us that it's time to come indoors.
(Why should his cousins, basking, bronze,
beside the fireplace
Not share that winter warmth?)
And so while gardens dream their grateful
sleep in featherbeds of snow,
The two of us - I restlessly,
Stone rabbit imperturbable--
Wait out the months to hyacinthine spring.


And why not add a bit of the exotic  with some of of Allen Ginsberg's Footnote to Howl?

------The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy!
The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand
and asshole holy!
Everything is holy! everybody's holy! everywhere is
holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman's an angel!
The bum's as holy as the seraphmi! the madman is
holy as you my soul are holy!

And on and on he gloriously goes.

And speaking of glory here is some Rilke--

I have many brothers in the South.
Laurels stand there in monastery gardens.
I know in what a human way they imagine the Madonna,
and I think often of young Titians
through whom God walks burning.

Yet no matter how deeply I go down into myself
my God is dark, and like a webbing made
of a hundred  roots, that drink in silence.

And-

I love the dark hours of my being
in which my senses drop into the deep.
My life is not this steeply sloping hour,
in which you see me hurrying...
I am only one of my many mouths,
and at that the one that will be still the soonest.
...in the dark interval, reconciled
--they stay there trembling.
And the song goes on, beautiful.

I will complete the bouquet with a bit of Rumi. More gloriousness.

What I most want
is to spring out of this personality,
then to sit apart from that leaping.
I've lived too long where I can be reached

I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I've been knocking from
 the inside!

My work is to carry this love
as comfort for those who long for you,
to go everywhere you've walked
and gaze at the pressed-down dirt.

For those of you who love poetry as I do inhale the perfume of today's bouquet sent to lift your heart.

Finding Our Voice

Finding Our Voice
This is a very rough draft but I wanted to make a beginning when this poem began to speak. It will need a lot more work.

Finding Our Voice

Like thousands of leaves
on a tree
no two alike,
we flutter in the
winds of the world.

Yet how early
we lose our voice,
forget who we are.

 Other voices
form us.
Tell us who we are.
Soft whispers of kindness
Sometimes the cutting
indifference of silence
or the searing scorn of
"You will never be
enough."

But do we go into
the dying of Autumn?
The voices turning
red, gold and the dead
brown
of so many leaves
falling to the ground.

Leaving us standing
naked,
Winter's stark tree,
against an empty sky.

Do we look deep within
the living core
 down
past the roots
where our own voice
in darkness
waits to speak?

Bummed over ASU's loss last night. Seems after all the hype that they have a ways to go as a team to stay ranked.
Watching the Cards play the Redskins this afternoon and also the final round of the BMW at Cog's Hill in Chicago. Delighted to see Phil Mickelson in full ASU colors at the ASU game last night. He had no more to smile about than the state of his golf game of late.
Still fighting the virus I have had for three weeks. Some days feeling pretty good, some dreadful. I am doing a liquid diet today to give the intestinal tract a rest.
Busy week coming up. Ralph over on Monday to see what he can do about repairs to my T-Bird.
Phil and Marth to work on Tuesday. Blood lab at one. Stop at Walgreen's for a bunch of birthday cards. Christy over in the evening to watch the series opener of NCIS with me. Wednesday free.
Thursday Phil comes to work again. Friday Shauna will come to meet with Danny and I. We may have lunch. Possible movie that evening with Dorothy. Saturday brunch with Ame at Arcadia and Sunday brunch at the Biltmore with the Keenan's and the Mike Welty's to celebrate the birthdays of Joe and Jim. Where is my hermit life????

Ode to Rilke (and the poets who go Deep)

I have been moved to reread Robert Bly's translation from the German of a selection of Rilke's poems.
I will write more about that later. Today is a busy chore day and includes both golf and football. But I was inspired to do a first draft of a poem and want to get it down while I can still hear it's voice.


Ode to Rilke (and the poets who go Deep)

I want to thank the poets
whose soft-seeming words
become hammers of steel,
iron feathers of fierce grace,
tools to wake me up.

But I sit like a bird
in the golden cage
of my twenty-four seven life.
Gazing with yearning
at the open door,
afraid to fly.

I feel the agony
of being torn
between the safety
of the known
and the roaring desire
to shed Rilke's "husk"
to lie down at Adya's words
"Rest and be taken."

More on Rilke and Bly after chores, golf and football.

Just Feeling Newsy

I have been missing Jen's blog and have been saying to myself "Wow! Jen has not blogged in over a week!" That brought me up short pretty quickly as I realized that I had not blogged in over a week myself.
I don't have anything in particular in mind to write about so will just report the news i.e. share what is happening in my life and the lives of those I love.
Marth worked a Wed. for my yesterday as Christy did not need her. She stayed over night and we had a very pleasant evening. I had energy and made dinner for the two of us. We had tilapia with lemon, green beans with almonds and buttered corn. Later while watching Just Desserts we had health cookies for our dessert. She played some Farmville while I did the dishes and did all my pre-bed preparations and then we both climbed into my bed and read. She is on the second book of The Song of Ice and Fire. I am reading Neon Rain, a James Lee Burke that is not a Dave Robichaux. We are very harmon-ious and experienced our time together as very loving.
My friend Phil and his wife Joan were fortunate enough to be able to go on vacation this past week. Joan's sister has a time share in Sante Fe, a very favorite place of theirs. They have been taking walks, doing the museums and enjoying fantastic weather. Phil has called a couple of times to check up on me and share what they are doing. He is such a loving friend. I am so blessed.
Their time there brought NM to mind and I found myself looking up The Lama Foundation website.
For anyone interested just Google The Lama Foundation NM and you will see it. As I looked at it I noticed that they had hermitages. So I looked them up. Again if you, reader, are curious hit "hermitages" and you will see the one I am drawn to. It is the Maqbara (I may have the spelling wrong)
but it is high above the compound of buildings that comprise the Foundation. This is a community dedicated to the promotion of conciousness and the care of the earth. People of all ages and from any or no spiritual persuasion are welcome. I visited there for a day some 18 or so years ago and was very caught up in it. From where it is situated (8600 ft. above sea level) you can see 100 miles and row after row of mountains in all hues of gray and purple. The stay in the hermitage is usually 2 weeks but one could do a month. It is a wilderness experience. The building is tiny, made of wood and round. It has a huge window overlooking the 100 mile view. There is a propane stove for cooking but no electricity or running water. One uses lanterns and candles. Food and water in jugs are delivered to the resident hermit. There is an outhouse nearby and also bears, deer, mountain lions, snakes, rats and other creatures. I am going to investigate whether medically I can do such a thing. It would be my idea of paradise - two weeks of silence, simplicity and vastness while being a great adventure. The altitude could be the deal breaker with my health but I will ask my doctors and see what is possible.
I am going to see Danny's daughter Shauna tomorrow morning at eleven. This promises to be a very exciting and possibly emotional experience, to see once again a granddaughter who I thought some 42 years ago to be lost to me forever.
Sara surprised us the other day with the news that she is moving again on the first of Oct. She found a much bigger place in a nicer neighborhood just 4 blocks East of where she is now.  She is looking for extra furniture to fill it up. I am giving her my two blue and red striped silk chairs and Marth may offer her sleigh bed. Sara is very pleased to be doing another good thing for herself.
Jen is in London as those of you on FB know. Jen, please come back to the land of Blog!!!
Those of you who have read Susan Dunlap will be interested in the fact that she is  now my friend on FB. We have had an exchange. I plan to ask if she has a new book in the works. For those of you who don't know about her she is a very good detective story writer. Brings a lot of intelligence to her writing. I met her during my Zen days in San Diego.
I did some more work on what I call the God book today. This is the book I am working on to respond to Kate's request that I talk to Abby and Zoey about God. I had most of it done but then decided to give it a rewrite. I have found a publisher in England that in interested in books about non-duality. Since there are almost none to be found on the net ( I found only one) it is not exactly a crowded market.
Time to get some work done as the afternoon is slipping by. Have laundry to do and my bed to make up fresh (always love that feeling of climbing into fresh sheets).
Some favorite shows tonight in Project Runway and Doc Martin. Then happily to bed to crossword and read Neon Rain.
I am delighted that football is back and plan to watch the ASU/MO game Friday night. And I will also watch the AZ Cards on Sunday afternoon.
Saturday night Marth, Sara and I plan to see The Debt at Fashion Square.
Nice weekend coming up.
 Hope you are all having some happiness today.

Out and About Again

It is great to be well enough to be out and about again. Last Friday Dorothy and I went to see The Guard at Camelview Five. Two minutes into the movie the battery in my right hearing aid went dead and I wound up hearing only 20% of the movie. Forgetting about the dead battery I left the theater saddened to think I had become so deaf that I could not enjoy a movie unless it was sub-titled. Then I remembered the battery and had hope.
It was confirmed last night when Marth, Sara and I went to see Harry Potter. They had both seen it but wanted to see it again. And I discovered that with my hearing aids in proper shape I heard almost all of the dialogue. It had been months since I had reread the seventh book preparatory to seeing Part 1 of The Deathly Hallows. So now I will reread the last half of the book to refresh my memory re what I saw last night in the film.
Had some intestinal problems this morning accompanied by sweats and nausea. Felt pretty awful for a while and went back to bed. After some rest I got into some chores - bed changing and laundry. Was able to have some breakfast and began to feel fine.
Did some bike riding this afternoon while watching Deadliest Catch. Also finished with a bit of help from Google and Marth a tough Thursday L.A. Times crossword puzzle. Felt pretty good about that. Good brain exercise.
I have TIVO'd a Masterpiece Theater Inspector Lewis (hope it is not a re-run) and also 3 hours of Brideshead Revisited. A show I like a lot (a spin off from Top Chef) called Just Desserts starts tomorrow night. I also TIVO'd for old times sake 4 I Love Lucy shows. They still play well.
The race to the Fed-Ex Cup begins Thursday with the playing of The Barclays. There is a cut every week until they are down to 30 I think who then play for the Cup. Quite a prize - ten million to win it all!!
Have been reading all the info on pre-season football (pro) and watched a bit of a game the other night. Dallas and somebody who beat them. ASU looks to have a promising season with a new quarterback who is a real leader. They must avoid any more injuries having possibly already  lost a new running back to injury. I love football and am looking forward to the season.
I finished book TWO of the A Song of Ice and Fire series and passed it along to Marth who has gotten into it. Decided I needed a break from the world of kings and knights so am reading a JLB, one that I had missed along the way. (Bootsie is in it Danny and Alafair is 13.) I have read about 16 of the series so feel I am back among old friends. Mary gave me three books for my birthday. One is The Hunger Games which I understand is book one of a triad. Marth and Sara have read it and were discussing it after the movie last night.
Had a great experience with lunch today. IT ALL TASTED LIKE ITSELF!!
My only problem is I have developed a big appetite and must discipline myself to maintain my 20 pound weight loss.
As I sit here looking out the window at the setting sun I marvel that my wisteria vine is still blooming. It has been doing this for months all through the intense heat. A graceful gift to enjoy every day.

Martha in the Desert

Some time back Marth and I were having a conversation about how she was finding her walks in the desert to be the equivalent of going to church. And she emphasized how important it was to keep moving. At the time I put down a few notes and a draft of a poem about how intrigued I was about her need to move.
The past few days I have been musing again about the poem and am ready to put down a second draft which follows.

Martha in the Desert

No more Sunday "go-to-meeting" for me,
My cathedral is the desert.
Spirit streaming from the
sere rock,
 cacti filled with holy water,
and endless grains
of dust.

Beneath a pale, early moon,
like a pain-dimmed soul
I am
walking, walking, walking.

Ravaged by pain,
savaged by loneliness,
raging at God.

Spirit all around me
in a ceaseless wind.
Calling, calling -
"Follow me."

Can't stop for the
purple lupin stain,
or the amber gold sunset.


Can't stop to feel the
wind,
or see the wink of
the first star.

Can't stop.
Can't stop.

Driven by the pain,
Running from the pain.
Being the pain.

Moving,
moving,
moving.

Contributing to feeling like writing again is the fact that I am declaring myself to be completely recovered from my recent illness. I have all of my strength back. I have put the beautiful spread back on my bed as I no longer need to lay down part of every day. I have even done some time on my bike as my right knee is no longer complaining. I ride as most of you know with one leg as my left knee needs to be replaced and cannot rotate at all. I was inspired by seeing one-legged atheletes and figured I could make do with what I had. Better than no exercise at all.
Full day today with chores. Had a shower/shampoo, stripped the bed, am doing a couple loads of laundry. Made an appt. with Dr. Petrides, the nephrologist I had in the hospital. Dr. Stark my cardiologist wants him to monitor the progress of my kidneys. I have been told that the cause of my kidney malfunction is the error made at the Arizona Heart Institute when the doctors put in the iliac artery stent in 2002. Can't sue because I signed a waiver including the possibility of such damage.
Have cleaned out all of the spent flowers that I got for my birthday and am saving many of the containers which are very attractive. Had a nice chat with Marth who will be coming tomorrow to do the week's cleaning. We will be going to the blood lab to have tests done for both Dr. Stark and Dr. Petrides. I have hopes of getting off some of the meds I am now taking. Wednesday I have a hair appt. and will have a cut and perm. This will be a great lift to my spirits as my hair is way too long, too hot and too much care.
Had a great weekend watching the last major of the golf season. My Phil did not contend but came in at 19th (of about 76). Some of the old guard were in it for a time but the excitement (both for the tournament and golf itself) came from a couple of unknowns. I was certain they would fall by the wayside by Sunday but there they were hanging in, playing great golf. They were tied at the end of four rounds and went to a three aggregate hole playoff. Dufner had been 5 shots ahead of the field after 14 holes. Bradley ( rookie playing in his first major) had a triple bogey on 15. He then got two birdies on some of the hardest holes on the course while Dufner collapsed. Bradley won the playoff and all of us golf fans got a big thrill out of watching what they called the "no names". Bring 'em on!!
Feels really good to be feeling really good!

On The Road Again

It is time to fix dinner but I am taking a minute to say that I am feeling stronger every day. I did a lot of work today and decided it was time to get out in the world a bit. Not a big trip but I did go up to get the mail and it felt good to be behind the wheel of my car again. It has done a lot of sitting around in the garage and I am amazed that it does not have a dead battery.
Marth was coming by tonight to see the last performance of the Dance finalists but called to say she was beat and also had a lot to do at home. She will come tomorrow night and we will see the finale which will actually be more fun
Back to my car. Danny told me that Ralph works on vintage cars so I plan to have him over to see what he can do for me. I have a new carpet that needs to be installed. Also I have a missing glove box and a broken visor. I have a catalogue for T-Bird parts and will order what we need.
My car also needs a good cleaning so perhaps when Ralph has done what he can do I will have him take it to a car wash and have a good detail job.
Years ago when I was younger and in better shape I washed my car every week. I even drained the radiator and put in new coolant. And I kept my car waxed as well. It is so beautiful I like to keep it looking it's best.
Even now I keep it dusted and I windex the glass and chrome.
Am hungry so will stop and fix dinner and enjoy some TV and my beloved reading.
Grateful for another day and for feeling so much stronger!

The Flower Birthday

Yesterday was my eighty-fourth birthday and I am calling it the Flower Birthday. On Saturday a beautiful arrangement in shades of purple came from Danny and Sharon. Later in the day a delicate, feminine arrangement in soft pinks, lavendar and white arrived from Lis.
My day started with a nice long phone call from Mary who was on her way to visit a friend in hospital.
After we hung up I curled my hair and dressed festively expecting some family to come by in the afternoon. Christy had slipped out and returned with a gorgeous vase of pale coral roses surrounded at the base by a wreath of purple daisies. Around one the doorbell rang and I opened to a parade. In came Michael, Ileen, Mary, Jim, Joe and Amy bearing flowers! The Mike Weltys brought two bouquets of very exotic and brilliantly colored flowers including red sunflowers, something I have never seen. And Amy brought her own version of exotic in a stunning pale orange striped orchid sumptiously wrapped in a handsome clear plastic and black case topped with an exquisite, jeweled butterfly and perky white bow.
We had a lot of lively conversation and laughter and then Mike and family left and Amy stayed behind. She enjoyed looking at the birthday cards I had received - from Jeanne and Hank, Mary and Alex, Phil, Christy and Gene, Jordan and Marth. I also received online cards from Dorothy and Claire.
Amy and I had a nice visit during which Sara called from London and she and Alex and Jane sang Happy Birthday in harmony and I had a nice chat with Sara. Then Marth came bearing oodles of pale pink roses that were tinged at the edges with burgundy. The girls exchanged a hug and then Amy left and Christy returned from doing errands.
She, Marth and I visited and finally when Marth left Christy and I had a visit.
Somewhat worn out but happily so I went to bed early to read. The phone rang and it was Lis and we had a good long visit. After a bit more reading the day was topped off by listening to the Joe Weltys do their birthday "Cha-cha-cha."
I had received many birthday greetings on Facebook and checked one last time before going to sleep to find 6 more including one from Kate.
I watered all of the birthday flowers this morning and expect to enjoy them throughout the week.
I so appreciate all of the kindness in being remembered in so many special ways. My thanks to everyone.

Golf 'n Stuff

Yesterday was not a good day health wise. I had fallen into the weakness the night before and woke up knowing it was not going away in a hurry. I had to cancel my scheduled mammogram for which I was already overdue so not good.
I spent much of the day in bed. I got up to fix my meals and do some time on the computer and also to watch some of the golf.
Today I woke up feeling OK. This congestive heart failure seems to manifest differently from day to day. I am only now at 3 p.m. beginning to feel a bit tired. I spent a lot of time resting this morning because I am expecting Dorothy to come for a visit in half an hour and wanted to have some energy for that.
Golf was not at all exciting today. There were some golfers who had good scores but the lead is still -8. Phil had a miserable day. He was as high as 13 at -4 as the result of an eagle. But he wound up at E and in 39th place. I had hoped he could at least stay ahead of Tiger but even Tiger came in in red figures at -1. It has not been a good season for Phil despite coming in second at the British.
Christy was out very early for her tennis and then went to check on the progress on the floor finishing at her house. Things coming along nicely. She has been out again since 11:30 to have her hair colored.
She is just now coming back and greeting the dogs.
I have had the munchies today and must not be too indulgent as I am happy with the weight I am at.
I do focus on getting in a lot of protein so am surprised as I relate the munchies to too many carbs.
Dorothy is back from six weeks away, two in NY and 4 in England so it will be very nice to see her and hear about all that she has been experiencing.
Good to have some energy today. One day at a time.
One quick comment on Marth creating a new blog. She called it Fondant Martha and it is about the figure Sara made to sit on Marth's retirement cake. I am thrilled that she is writing again as I have always seen her as a big talent. I became her first Follower today and look forward to more of her tales of Fondant Martha.

Sleepy Head

This has been me all afternoon. I had a splendid sleep last night and woke up feeling very rested. I was able to stay up and accomplish a lot and then suddenly while folding laundry I knew it was time to lie down. So from about 2:30 or so that is mostly what I have been doing.
I went back to reading Game of Thrones but felt I could barely keep my eyes open but when I closed them allowing for sleep I did not sleep. So I just remained like my friend above - a sleepy head.
I ordered a boxed set of the first four of Martin's popular series as even though Michael had given me the first one as a Mother's Day gift I could get four books for $19.00 rather than pay $9.00 for each one individually. I am amazed at the response time Amazon is manifesting. I ordered the books yesterday and they were at my door today!
Mary called with some exciting news. I don't recall precisely the name of the organization but it is an education arm of a designers organization. She has been taken on as an approved educator and will be giving a class in creativity tomorrow night in San Jose for over 30 people. Good job Mar!!!!
Continuing to maintain my weight between 136 and 137 and I eat whatever I like within the bounds of vegan/vegetarian (only egg whites and only Parmesan cheese though).
Breakfast was oatmeal, nice and hot, with raisins and walnuts and warm soy milk plus a cup of ginger tea.
Lunch was a toasted double fiber bread sandwich with red onion, avocado, lettuce, tomatoe and Miracle Whip.
Afternoon snack of sugar free cookies and orange juice.
Will focus on protein for dinner with rice and black beans.
Amy will join Christy and I tonight for Dance which will be pleasant. I have not seen her since she returned from the beach.
Chatted briefly with Marth today. She and John are having a bite to eat and then going to see Friends with Benefits in Tempe tonight.
I have been getting some early birthday greetings on FB. Heard from a new friend Arthur Braverman ( a fellow Friend of Joko Beck) and Danny's friend Larry Mullen. Also a lovely card from Mary and Alex Keenan. I do not want a group celebration of my birthday this year. I may go to a movie on Sunday with Marth and Christy if she is not busy.
There is a good golf tournament on from Thursday through Sunday. Tiger will be back which will make it interesting and I would expect Phil to play. It is at Firestone and should draw a good bunch of players.
Dorothy is back in the country after a 6 week absence. Two weeks in NY visiting family and a month in England doing some studies. We have a tentative date for a visit on Friday which has been our usual time to get together.
Expecting Phil in the morning as well as Marth. She will finish up her four hours and take me to have a mammogram in the early afternoon.
With two and a half days of pretty normal energy I have some hope that perhaps I will be living at my usual energy level. I am being very careful about fluid intake as I have no desire to return to the hospital for the fourth time in a couple of months.
I am thinking of having Danny's friend Ralph do some work on my car while it is not being driven. I have had a new carpet for a couple of years that by accident was not installed when I had new seat covers put in. I will have Ralph do it as well as perhaps install a new glove box and some hardwear for the passenger seat visor which has come down. I have a catalogue of parts that are exclusive to the 1956 T-Bird. They are expensive but in the long run it will pay to have the car maintained as close to stock as possible. Both the Bird and I will be a couple of restored antiques!
Getting on to time to fix dinner and get ready for Amy to come and join us for Dance.
Still sleepy!!!

Dog Tired

That is how I am feeling in the moment. Christy had to be at tennis today at 7 so was up very early. The neighborhood blowers were at it at 6:30 but I can normally sleep through them. Phil was also here working. But as I was settling to get more needed sleep I heard sad yippings and scratchings at my door. One of my house guests for the week, Izzy, a very dear little Yorkie was missing his "mum' and demanding to be let into my room. End of sleep and I have been draggin' all day.
However I did find the energy to do some laundry, change my bed linen, empty the dishwasher and make meals.
The day was hectic for Christy. Gene called saying he was ill and coming home. So she made a hotel reservation for him Then Bandit dug up a dead rat out in the backyard and since the rats die mostly by poisoning and she seemed to have eaten some of the rat she had to take her to the vet.
She got in just a bit of rest when she had to go pick her up at the vet.
Now she is out having dinner with Gene and Izzy is very unhappy. She is very attached to Christy and seems to fret a great deal when she is gone.
My breakfast tasted pretty good this morning. I made scrambled egg whites with a bit of sour cream, a piece of raisin Ezekial bread toast and lemon/ginger tea.
Lunch was creamed spinach which had a good taste and protein enriched pasta with tomatoe sauce which had no taste at all.
A snack of sugar free cookies late afternoon.
About to fix dinner which will be a piece of tilapia with lemon, some jasmine rice and  some brussel sprouts with lemon/butter.
I watched Deadliest Catch and Master Chef last night. Tonight I will watch Master Chef and some House Hunters.
It will be early to bed to continue reading Game of Thrones.
Marth slept until 3 so only got in two hours of work. The house smells so good and feels so clean. She will do 2 more hours on Thurs. and take me to get a mammogram.
And so it goes. Grateful to be feeling a bit stronger despite being dog-tired (tired from dog.)

Feeling stronger today

It is coming up on three o'clock and so far today I have not fallen into a weak spell. Until today I would be able to be active for a while and then with no warning I would suddenly turn into a wet noodle and have to spend a lot of time lying down.
I had a good sleep last night and am just now beginning to feel a bit tired. After I finish this blog I will lay down and read for a bit.
Had some Ezekial raisin bread with peanut butter and a bowl of apricots and ginger tea for breakfast.
Christy was out early for tennis and I had Izzy for company. Bandit prefers staying in the guest room.
I took a shower/shampoo and then had lunch (some protein fortified pasta with tomatoe sauce and a little parmesan cheese (unhappily no taste so just ate it for nourishment). After lunch I paid all of my current bills and prepared my monthly deposit.
Wrote a short grocery list and Christy is off to mail my mail and go to Safeway to do some grocery shopping for both of us and pick up a prescription for me.
Christy will be having lunch with Ileen and Mary K tomorrow. She invited me to join them but I can't count on having the strength to go out yet. I do hope to feel up to a movie by Saturday.
I went outside this morning just to get some air. Very muggy and too warm so after I visited all of the gardens I came back inside to refreshing cool. Deliver me from next month's utility bills! Still have not seen $400. on the electric yet but that has happened in the past. I keep the thermostat at 79 -80 and have been comfortable.
Christy showed me the photos they took at Laguna. Some of the shots I had not seen. Such a beautiful house and from what everyone said also very comfortable.
Reading all I can today about the debt crisis. Hard to know what to conclude. Paul Krugman of the NYTimes calls the deal a catastrophe and cites lack of leadership on Obama's part. I have also read that we don't need a AAA credit rating to be able to pay our bills. The media is not very reliable. So today I don't know if it is vital to pass the deal or not. The votes are not in. Move-on which I find too biased and aggressive for my taste urges me to write to Ed Pastor and ask him to vote no on the deal. Then where would we be if it does not pass?
Watched some Deadliest Catch with Christy last night. Did not seem to be her thing.
I have Master Chef to watch this evening and have enjoyed the show a lot. Beginning to feel a bit of cabin fever today. Hopefully I will continue to get stronger and will be able to be out and about more.
Busy day here tomorrow what with Christy and the dogs, Phil in the morning and Marth working here in the afternoon.

Red Shoes

Today I am wearing my red Birkenstock sandals. They are prettier than the ones above and I feel good when I look down on them. I have always been pleased with my feet. In Japan I understand that the feet and the neck are focal points of admiration in women. I think I would have been a hit in Japan.
I am also wearing a red shirt. It is my 'poet shirt' that I got when I joined The Academy of American Poets. And I have added red lipstick. I find that red lipstick does not last very well on me but I renew it from time to time. The color red is cheery.
I feel stronger today. I was up by 8:30 and had a breakfast of hot oatmeal with raisins and walnuts and warm soy milk. And I had a cup of peppermint tea. It all tasted pretty good.
Did my usual perusal of aol news and Facebook. Getting some early birthday greetings. My actual b.d. is next Sunday. I don't want any fuss this year and will be celebrating quietly. I also read the NY Times extensively this morning. Focused of course on the latest in the debt ceiling crisis. Hopeful. And I read an interesting article about a liberal Catholic protest group in Chicago. I also read Modern Love. It is a feature of the Sunday Times that I have encouraged Marth to write for. She writes as well as all of the contributors I have read.
Did my spiritual reading in one of Adya's books and meditated for a while. Then spent a couple of hours resting and reading Game of Thrones.
I read an e-mail from Amy - a response to one I had written to her. I sent an e-mail catching my friend Sharon up on my health. And I wrote to Jen.
I fixed a salad and some raisin bread that Danny had bought me for lunch. The salad had no taste but the bread tasted good. Am halfway through with my fluid requirements for the day.
I was very tired last night so did not watch any TV but went to bed early and read. Asleep by 10.
I am so pleased that the NFL lockout is over. I have been a fan of pro football for the past few years and look forward to seeing what the Cards can do this season. Am also a Sun Devil football fan and am happy to see them back on track being picked no 2 in the southern division of the new Pac 12.
And golf being my favorite is something I watch a lot.
Would spend some time outside if it were not so hot. Except for early morning when I am not up and early evening it is too draining to be out in the heat. The gardens are not at their best. Neither Phil nor I were up to doing the usual summer planting. But some of the perennials are still colorful. And of course the fabulous wisteria, beautifully draped over the waterfall arbor has been giving me lovely long bunches of lavendar bloom for nearly two months. Cheerful as the red shoes!
Made a simple dinner last night. A grilled piece of tilapia with lemon and some steamed brussel sprouts with lemon butter. And it all tasted like itself. Marvelous! But later I made some popcorn and it was a disaster. The metal taste had appeared and I could not eat any of the popcorn.
Win some lose some.
I think I will let the red shoes take me out to pick up the Sunday paper. See you anon.

Balancing Act

Of late my life has turned into a balancing act. The picture above is a pretty good approximation of how foggy and ephemeral it often feels.
I am at present recovering from three hospitalizations dating from this past March when I was suddenly felled after a social evening out with dehydration and wound up being admitted to the hospital. Since then another visit to the ER in April with more dehydration. And then around three thirty in the morning of the Fourth of July I went by ambulance with serious breathing problems back to the hospital then to be diagnosed with over hydration. Thus the beginning of the balancing act.
My diagnosis is congestive heart failure. Both my heart and my kidneys are not functioning at full efficiency. They are a team and one of their jobs is to manage hydration.
The doctors job has been to diagnose and prescribe medication. I will not recover from congestive heart failure. It can be stabilized and I can live a long time with it but it is a progressive condition and the only movement is down.
My part is to watch my fluid intake. It is to be kept up to but not over 64 ozs. per day. I record all of the fluid that I take in as the day goes by. I also must weigh myself every morning. Should my weight go below 135 (  it is presently 137.6) I must stop the Lasix ( a powerful diuretic). Should my weight go above 145 I must double the dose.
I also need to record my blood pressure every day. I do it before and after meds and I record my pulse. This information is helpful to the doctors to ascertain my progress and response to meds.
I need to eat healthfully and my vegan/vegetarian diet is particularly good for my heart and kidneys. Unfortunately one of the side effects of poor kidney function is a loss of taste. No matter what I prepare there is not much taste to my food. I discipline myself to eat it because I need it. Happily the chocolate chips in a health food (sugar free) cookie that I eat do taste like chocolate!!
I have yet another balancing act to manage. I have sciatica pain issues in my butt that allow me to sit for limited periods of time. I have to sit as long as I can and then recline. I have very painful arthritis in the back of my neck and reclining exacerbates the pain so I can only recline so long. I have issues with pain in the muscles of my hips and thighs and can only walk 200 steps before needing to rest. And I have a left knee that needs replacement so must not do too much walking. So it is a big balancing act between standing, sitting and reclining. I tried the heavy pain medication but I prefer to put up with a lot of pain to the side effects of the meds.
I am hoping to get strong enough to be able to balance going out in the world which I love to being home and quiet which I also love.
For a while I will blog about how I am staying in balance.
Today's food so far:
Hot oatmeal with raisins and soy milk for breakfast and some decaffeinated lemon tea.
A double fiber bread sandwich of tomatoe, avocado, lettuce, bacon bits and Miracle Whip plus my health cookie for lunch and a glass of orange juice.
Lots of rest this morning as I was very weak.
Dressed today in bright pink for cheer.
Did some spiritual reading, watched Deadliest Catch, ran the dishwasher.
Let Christy and Gene in so they could put her clothes in my closet. She is staying from tomorrow until next Sunday while her floors are being refinished.
Enjoying my clean house. Marth worked 7 hours this week and I can feel her thoroughness in my sparkling house. And her kindness has been a comfort to me.
Hope to get the dishwasher emptied before the day is over and fix a nutritious dinner.
Will perhaps watch a little TV and then to bed to read Game of Thrones.
Grateful for another day on the planet.

Rorschach

I have a young teenage grandson
 who is very intelligent,
 interesting,
 an out-of-the box sort of person.
He was writing poetry at four.

I saw a film with him
last Saturday night.
At the "indie" theater
which is just a breath away
from my Sante Fe style home
in the Village of Pavoreal.

The Tree of Life it was:
unique,
original,
controversial.
It opened with twenty-five
minutes of images
depicting
Creation.

Followed by the story
of an ordinary Texas family
living out their lives
in the fifties and sixties.

Ending with another twenty-five
images (and more story)
of the
Afterlife.

My grandson liked the film.
His comment as we left the
theater.
"I think the images were like a
rorschach test. Each of us could
see only what we could see."

When I got up this morning
I found myself reflecting
on his thought.

I looked into my back yard
at the quiet pool,
the busyness of the water fall,
the sunlight glinting off
the tall trees
above the wall,
the graceful drape
of wisteria on the arbor,
the sere, sunwashed faces
of the boulders,
the end of season
faded flowers in their
pots,
the tired cushions
resting on the lawnchairs,
the lantern standing sentry,
by the bar-b-cue.

And I wondered
"Is it all a rorschach test?
Do we all see only what
we can see?
And even more important
what we don't."

Hope

I am trying another Natalie Goldberg writing techique today. I am using the line "Hope creaking in my throat like a piece of rusting machinery" as the inspiration for a poem. This will be the first draft.

HOPE

Two years now
he has had prostate cancer.
The enemy within
lying in wait for the
kill.

Radiation therapy
test numbers not good
diagnosis
maybe two more years.
No giving up.
Still reaching for life.

 Prostate surgery
the possiblity the surgeon
got it all.
More pain and suffering
and loss of sleep.

He grows fragile
has an ethereal look
transcending the
indignity of diapers.

I dearly love my friend
but all that I can do
is watch and wait
Hope creaking in my
throat like a piece
of rusting
machinery.

The Challenge of the Novel

Before I write what I planned to write about today i.e. the challenge for me of writing a novel I am going to unload about the glitches I have encountered this afternoon while trying to do just that.
Almost every time I start to read a new novel I am once again inspired and challenged to try my hand at it. I am part way into Anna Quindlen's new book "Every Single One" and like the kid with nose pressed to the candy store window I yearn to have what she has i.e. the ability to write in this literary genre and to do it very well.
Thus inspired I had some technical difficulties to overcome (not my strong suit). I bought a PC last year and have never had all of the material from my IMac transferred to it. The novel that I started a couple of years ago must be retrieved by typing it, printing it and then typing it into the PC. At least that is true until I decide to pay a techie to do the transferring.
Faced with that I started the project only to immediately discover that my old printer needed new ink cartridges. When following the procedures to do this nothing worked. I got a bunch of instructions about changing fonts etc. that was totally confusing. So I had to let that go.
Then instead of working on the novel I decided that I would do a blog about how difficult I find this genre. I have recently learned how to upload photos to post on my blog and I enjoy this process a great deal. It is great fun for me to page through photos and find just the right one for my title.
So I did this. Again following the instructions Mary has give me I could not upload the chosen photo. Next up came an indication that perhaps I needed to order more credits to pay for more photos. I proceeded to do that and what do you think happened? Right!!! More glitches. Nowhere could I simply buy new credits on an already established account. When trying to order the new credits I was presented with a form to register (which I already was). I was then told that the user name I put in was taken. Of course it was taken!!!!! BY ME!!!!! So now I need to see if Mary can help me once more to unsnarl this credit buying thing. Result - no photo for this blog. But I can always add one later when the glitches are ironed out. There. You may be bored by all this but I feel better.
Now to what I have to say about writing novels. The only thing I could print up before the ink gave out was my musings about a plot summary. I will share that here. As I have stated in the aim of my blog it is about poetry and the making of poetry and other reflections. This post comes under 'other reflections' this being on the making of a novel.
As aspiring writers we are told to write about what we know. So what did I want to write about I asked myself? I discovered that I did have a theme and it was redemption. And pondering redemption it came to me that I also wanted to include the unredeemed. I wanted to investigate what that is. Is anything unredeemed? And what is redemption itself about?
Plotwise I will be taking much from my own story. I had held the idea that in a novel everything had to be made up. But then I discovered by doing some research that many writer's write about their own lives and the lives of people they have known. Virginia Wolfe and Henry James were two such writers.
A woman once reported that in reading a Henry James novel she came upon a description of a room that described to the last detail a room in her own house. I know that there are many novelists who indeed do make all of it up -the entire world of fantasy and science fiction has to be so. But since I see myself as lacking imagination I figured to go back to square one and write about what I know.
In taking The UnRedeemed as my title I reflected on the song Amazing Grace. As I looked at my own life and the lives of many that I knew there was a common theme. To some degree we were all living lives that we made up. Phillip Roth references this in his writing often. He makes up characters based on his life and the lives of those he has known and he tells us that these characters are inventing themselves.
So the question arises "If we are making ourselves up and we aren't really who we are then WHO ARE WE? WHO is it that gets redeemed?
My own story has been very intertwined for the past twenty years with Jordan's story. Now that our relationship has ended it seems a good time to take another look at what that was all about. I had managed a lot of research and had written about seventeen pages of text when I abandoned my effort on novel writing. I am ready to work on it once more.
The two main characters are in a relationship that is not about marriage. They had an astrological composite chart of the relationship done one time that said that the relationship was about two people trying to bring out the best in each other. The novel then would be about psychological development. I am tempted to go deeper and bring in self realization and non duality but if I have any hope (faint) of being published I don't think that would sell.
The two characters will constantly bump into how they are opposites while being held in a crucible by love. Initially there will be a power struggle which most relationships have.
Christian is the prototype of the unredeemed in a way that is very obvious. He does not have an exclusive on it because psychologically very few people are fully redeemed. Because he is so dysfunctional he is an easy rack upon which others can hang their projections. The Catherine character does exactly that with her own dark side. The story will show among other things the process of her redeeming that side of herself
Christian is doing his own projecting but it is the best in him that he disowns that he projects onto Catherine. She can see what he is hiding and it is what draws her to him. Over the years we see how their interaction can become the agent for transformation. Who gets transformed? And how? They are the lost of Amazing Grace. The novel will examine how 'found' they become and here we will have a deeper look at what is redeemed and what is unredeemed and is anything redeemed?
In addition to these main characters I would like to have some subplots for interest. I will look at the people in my life to see who might have a story that fits my theme. From my many Alanon meetings I think everyone has.
A couple of people stand out. My friend Claire has an interesting history. She is a psychic, an astrologer, reads Tarot. She has never married and has lived in some interesting places - San Francisco, Sante Fe and Mexico as well as being originally from New Zealand. I have known a number of people caught in alcoholism or drug addiction whose stories are very much about redemption. I will not be writing about anyone in my family. I did that once and it was not a good idea.
Until I can retrieve the material on the novel from my IMac I will continue work on the "God" book and I will revise poems and write new ones. I will write.

Newsy

I am being totally lazy today. I have laundry to finish and plants to water and I just don't feel like doing either chore.
I have had a busy and enjoyable weekend. On Friday afternoon Dorothy and I went to see the movie Cedar Rapids at Camelview 5. It was a charming comedy about a very naive mid-Western insurance agent who gets on a plane for the first time in his life and goes to a business convention. He gets a baptism of fire re the not so nice side of life and comes out of it more mature but without losing a drop of integrity. We decided to save money eating out so went over to Coco's and had some decent food and quality chat.
Yesterday Danny came by to pick me up at 5:30 and we drove out to Sara's new house where she was giving a birthday party for Marth. There were seven of us for dinner, a delicious spread of baked chicken with onion gravy, bacon braised green beans, yummy mashed potatoes made with cream and butter, and a green salad with basil vinegar dressing. The cake co-starred with Marth as the evening's standout. The theme was Farmville and the cake was labeled Marthaville. It was a sheet cake, the sides piped with scrumptious dark chocolate, the top was green with a blue pond. And present were a party sheep, party duck and party pig all complete with party hats. The corners were decorated with hand made confectionary flowers and to complete the Farmville theme there were rows of fruits and vegetables. After dinner we had the traditional singing of Happy Birthday and the opening of presents.
We have had the most delightful weather this week and I have sat out a bit and also done some gardening. Thought to do more today but the idea fell by the wayside in the train of my laziness. I have not even bothered to pick up the Sunday paper. I get so much of my news from the computer that I sometimes read only the sports pages and the entertainment page.
Not much on my plate so far for this coming week. Dorothy will be away again so no Friday movie with her. May see if Sara wants to fit in her birthday celebration with me before going into surgery the following week. That will be some week what with Sara and Lis having lap band surgery on Tuesday while Phil is having his final pre op tests and then on Wednesday Phil will have his prostate removed. There will be a lot of praying going on. And for two weeks Linda has been in the hospital as the result of a fall followed by having a stroke while in the hospital!! She has a broken arm and a broken leg. Lots of prayer needed for her recovery.
And we also need prayer for Bob as he goes through his post detox program of recovery from alcoholism.
And that updates my news.

The Cypress Trees

Oft, in the sunless April day
I walk the corridor of trees
Cypress I think they are
death-gloomed like the
darkening sky.
They speak to me of cemeteries
grief
and loss.

Their blackened fingers
pointing to the sky
at times shrouded in a
ghostly mist.
The air filled with a
relentless, heavy brooding.

I walk slowly
lead-weighted like
the sky above
oppressed by the blackness
of the trees
and the endless sorrowing
of the world.

Yesterday I mistakenly used page 57 to get my line with which to work. So today I am using line 5 on page 56 which was "Oft,in the sunless April day" For me this has been a way to get back into writing and most especially into spontaneity. To simply put my fingers on the keys and see what comes out of them is so much easier a way to write than to have to 'think' of what to say and then worry about whether or not it is any good. There is a detachment when looking at what the 'writer'within' produces.
Sometimes it lights me up, sometimes nothing makes my soul sing. There can be a jewel buried in the midst of a piece or an inspiration for something new or a line that simply rings true. And this technique seems very appropriate for writing poetry which is my favorite genre.

Emergence

Yesterday I shared a writing tool that I learned from Natalie Goldberg. Synchronistically my niece Mal posted a game about picking up the closest book, going to page 56, then down to line 5 and putting that line in as your status on Facebook. She did not know the next step. Returning to Natalie's tool - this is part of her tool and the next step is to write a piece that is focused on the line you got from the book. You are not to TRY to write but simply put down what comes to mind. The point is for the ego, the tryer, to get out of the way in order for the "writer within" to speak.
My line was "they try their thin wings and dance in the beam"

At first it seemed about telling a story but then up came strongly that it was to be in a poem. Here we go.........

Emergence

Suspended in the chrysallis
of childhood in New England,
in the safe dark of it's
small hills and ubiquitous
trees mostly hiding the sky
I lay curled tight-wrapped
like a mummy.
No need to move,
to reach out,
to take risks.

Years pass and the
comforting darkness
becomes too small.
Cracks appear
through which I perceive
vastness.
Terrifying at first and yet
promising Truth.

I imagine being
the vastness.
and a memory comes of
being in a soaring plane,
doing stunts
feeling immense, wide joy,
that I was born for this.

Suddenly the shell completely
cracks
and clinging to its frail remains
the wetness drying,
I am aware of hosts of others
out there in the vastness
as they try their thin wings
and dance in the beam.


What a fun, fun thing that was to do!!!!! How by not trying the words like the emergence from the chrysallis just come.

Thanks for reading.

To Awaken the Muse

Of late my Muse seems to have fallen asleep on the job. I have done
nothing to try to awaken him. I have alternately beaten myself up for not writing or just ignored the whole thing. This week I have decided to take matters in hand, prime the pump, just do it.
So I harked back to a book that my friend Kathy Crook recommended to me. It was Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. My smug response was to not take her suggestion because I was so sure that I did not need any help. Within a few days a book arrived in the mail from David O'Hare, Lisa's former husband. With a sense of LIFE saying "Got cha." I opened the package and took out Writing Down the Bones! I recalled Mary Palumbo, my Jungian dream therapist, telling me that when anything came up doubled to pay close attention and I did.
The book had a lot to say to me. It was where I first read the idea that "I" was not the writer. Natalie told me that the writer lived within. I was the vehicle through which the writer within could express. She also gave me a lot of useful tools (which I had thought I could easily do without). I have decided to use one of the tools to attempt to awaken the Muse. If I would not be the vehicle nothing of the writer within would come forth.
One of the tools was to open a book and put my finger on a line of text and then use that text as a writing exercise. Not surprisingly a few minutes ago I was looking at some stuff on Facebook and Mal was suggesting that we go get the book nearest to us, turn to page 56, move down to line five and put that in our status. I went to my library and chose a book at the end of the shelf that was easiest to reach. I followed the rules of her exercise and came up with a line of poetry which read - "Try their thin wings and dance in the warm beam....." Here was one of Natalie's exercises coming at me out of the blue. (the past two days of gorgeous weather I have been sitting outside in a rocker with my head thrown back simply contemplating the blueness of the sky).
I now have a title for the next blog. In the exercise I will not TRY to write well. I will simply write whatever comes up in relation to 'trying thin wings in the warm beam.' I look forward to it. What will come "out of the blue?" Will it awaken the Muse? Tune in tomorrow to the next episode!!!!!

Woolgathering

I keep thinking of getting back to writing, getting past thinking I have too little talent so why bother. I can just write for the sake of it, have my say because I like to share my stories. I am not in charge of my writing anyway. What comes out is what the "writer within" has to say. It is not an ego project. I have to show up and whatever gift there is will emerge. As Lis said recently the one thing she knows about creative work is that you have to do it.

From standing in the intense fear yesterday I have a sense of fragility, of deep vulnerability, like a hollowed-out reed. I felt the way I used to feel after a long sesshin (Zen retreat). There is deep pain for the suffering of the world, a momentary sense of being undefended, open, bowed. I am appreciating it as my pattern is to go so quickly into fear and use it to protect myself. There is such a longing for all of us to be free - for the lost to be found.

I watched the last of the Masterpiece Theater show Any Human Heart yesterday and was moved to tears when it ended. I had found myself critical at times of the protagonist's behavior and character but at the end as he reviewed his life and loves, his work and interests I had only an embracing compassion for this one human heart which indeed could have been "any human heart." I felt our transience, our vulnerability, how much we matter as frail, flawed expressions of LOVE.

I find myself considering doing a long retreat, like a three month stay at Christ-in-the-Desert. Being silent and solitary under the New Mexico skies has real appeal. The time is not now. Perhaps next year.

Phil said an interesting thing today to which I could relate i.e. how much value there can be especially for people who don't connect emotionally, in simply sharing space. I can just see him in his taciturn way out on the great expanse of their ranch just doing chores at his dad's side. I understood because one of my favorite things is to sit by a fire with a companion, both of us reading and being silent. I also recall working in the garden with my dad or playing a piece of his favorite music on the piano. No conversation, yet a sense of being connected.
Because I am so emotionally centered and more likely to be expressive I have not valued the just being together in silence enough. I do think that love is doing the connecting in the silence. It is the emotion present though not expressed.

I so enjoyed having Danny and Joy on Saturday and Sunday. He is a good companion and we are very harmonious. He is very intelligent, sensitive and emotionally available. We spent our afternoon and evening watching the golf and the Super Bowl. Got in some visiting. He took all of the frost cloth off and folded it up for me which I so appreciated. He said as he was leaving that he is happier than at any time in his life. He has so aptly named his dog Joy. When I closed the door on him and Joy and turned to my empty house I felt a strong sadness at being alone.I am a coper and adjust to most anything but I think I mind living alone more than I let myself feel. I grew up in the midst of our large Irish clan and I raised an outsized family. It sometimes stuns me that I of all people - such a people person, valuing community so much - am spending my end days alone!

In her blog "Forrest Gump was onto Something" Mary wrote about how chocolate is tempered. It is a perfect image for Roshi's koan "not too much - not too little". In my comment to her I retold the story of his giving us that koan at sesshin in Tucson years ago. How at first it made LIFE sound beige and how I knew it was not beige. I asked him "How about great sex?" and "How about fireworks?" And suddenly I got it. Everything is just as it is - not too much and not too little. And so too the making of chocolate - tempering being a technique whereby like the practice of Ikebana we can appreciate the "is-ness" of chocolate.

Finishing up with a sort of "woolgathering" poem:

Emptiness

I have nothing to say-
words all burned out of me.
I am empty
as the shouted silence
of the ancient tea bowl.

There is nothing to do-
but sit quietly,
unmoving as the sere
red mesas
whose silence speaks of
sacred space.

There is no one to be-
but the tea bowl,
the red mesas
and ten thousand, thousand
other things.

Thanks for reading!

Questions About How To UpLoad a Photo

Mumma...here is the steps...click on the photo icon above. (That is the image that is between the ABC button and the film button.)

There will be a screen with that says "Add an image from your computer."

Click on "Browse" and look through your computer photos and pick the one you want to add.

After you have selected the image, then decide if you want the image to be uploaded on the left, the center or the right.

Select the placement of the photo.

Then select image size, small, medium or large. You will also be able to enlarge or strink the photo once you upload if you do not like the size you selected by dragging clicking with the mouse.

Select the size of photo.

At the bottom of the photo page is a blue box for cancel or an orange box for upload. If you have selected the correct photo, click the upload button.

After you select the upload button, a new screen will confirm that the picture is uploaded.

Press the done button and you will be returned to your blog page with the photo uploaded.

I added a photo to your question mark page. You can practice with this page or start a new one.

Let me know if you are successful in adding photos or if I can answer more questions!

I added the picture by selecting the center button and the small image!

Good luck!

xo,

Mary