Still On The Conveyor Belt

One of the images I have about mortality is that of a conveyor belt moving steadily towards eternity. We all have our place on the belt and at some point we arrive at the stepping off spot.

When we are relatively young there are so many people in line ahead of us we hardly ever think of our spot unless someone our age somehow shockingly steps off way ahead of expectations.

Not being in a hurry to step off and enjoying life on the belt I used to take comfort in knowing how many of my older relatives were up ahead of me. As I am entering my 84th year I realize that I may be a lot closer to my spot than I like, and then again who knows? Like the young person who stepped off way ahead of expectations I may surprise people and stay on the belt way, way beyond my "sell by" date.

So much for mortality for now. As I was going through the routines of the morning; cleaning my hearing aids, taking my blood pressure, meditating, journalling, making the bed and getting dressed I was aware that most of these routines are not exciting or stimulating in any way. That granted I shifted my focus to the fact that I was priveleged to be alive and doing them. They did not have to give me anything; I had only to perform them with awareness and move on to the next thing. Yes, I have preferences. I enjoy eating my breakfast more than I enjoying making the bed. I look forward to reading e-mails, various articles about subjects of interest and the latest news.

A huge preference in my life is following sports. Anyone who knows me well knows of my devotion to golf. They know that Phil Mickelson is my favorite player and that I have never been a fan of Tiger Woods. They would also know that I am delighted to be approaching the opening of the football season. I have watched a couple of the Cardinal's pre-season games. Pleased last night to see them win even if against the hapless Bears who are the new Cardinals of old.

Another source of pleasure and gratification in my time on the belt are books. I like owning books. Michael and I found we have that in common. We like the energy and companionship of books. Holding them, arranging them, enjoying the memories of the ones read and anticipating the pleasure ahead in those yet to be opened.

Because of the economy's effect on my budget I am not only buying bargain books but I am re-reading which is something I have never been inclined to do. If a long time has passed since first reading a book I can enjoy it as for the first time. My memory is emotion centered and I will remember how much I liked or did not like a book while not remembering the plot or the ending.

What fun it was this week to be able to go to Amazon's Marketplace books and find Marth's vendor name MOLE'S END BOOKS! And exciting to hear how she had sold her first book within a week.

A place I can always count on for enjoyment is the movies. I love going to the movies. No DVR or Netflix experiences for me. Settling into my seat with buttered popcorn ( in the middle and on the top) in hand, the lights going down, the murmur of the crowd stilled, promising myself that I won't chat up my companion (especially Marth) I am infused with magic. I am in thrall over possibilities, I am the joy of the movie industry - a real fan.

I have been attending movies weekly ever since childhood. We were expected even as young children to help out at home. We had our specific chores which were mostly performed on Saturday morning. When done to my mother's standards we were given our movie money as pay and off we were to the land of Saturday serials and double features. We walked both ways, perhaps two miles round trip and on at least one occasion we so enjoyed one of the movies that we stayed to see it again. This brought us out of the theater after dark. It also brought us a whack on the backside upon arriving home for having caused mumma so much anxiety.

Another contributor to the pleasures of riding the belt would be gardening. Again from childhood gardening was not only a big factor in my life but it was a way to connect to my parents neither of whom, like most people of their time, were emotionally expressive. Sharing activities is a way to bond even when noone says how they feel about the sharing. Today while trying to economize the one place I don't economize is in the creation of as much beauty in my yard as I can conceive.

The last place that enhances the ride is music. As for many people that I know certain kinds of music bring near bliss, intense joy, sometimes tears. And music provided a strong connection with my dad. He was a classical music fan and I loved to play such music for him on the piano when he asked. I can recall in high school laying on the floor beside our record player with my ear to the screen, volume at the top awaiting the opening wail of the clarinet as Rhapsody in Blue blasted into the living room. Followed immediately by my mother's voice from the kitchen TURN THAT DOWN!!! The last breath of life for my dad as he lay dying was atuned to classical music coming from the ever present radio at his side.

And I should not say that that is the last because actually I have saved the best for the last. What would the ride be without the people who are on it with me? My remarkable children who are so admired, appreciated and loved and their childdren. My dear friends, even people I don't know well or at all who I know through the computer, the TV, the movies.

And so this morning I am appreciating the ride - the routines that just are and the pleasures that balance the ever present suffering of the world: joy with grief, forgiveness with anger, peace with anxiety. I plan to buy more tickets, especially E tickets, and stay on and on and on.........

Question Mark

I wanted to write something today because I sense I am to write and I continue to neglect doing it. I don't know what I want to write which explains the question mark of the title.
Mary gave me a lesson when I was staying with her recently in San Jose in how to add images to my blog posts. We were going to write the steps down as I learn better visually than through listening but we did not. I have been experimenting in an attempt to add a picture. I am able to line up my blog, the picture, and the formatting instructions on my blog. I can see them sitting before me in a tantalizing row and I cannot move the picture/image that I chose - a confused looking, colorful question mark ,onto this post. It is a goal to learn how to do it and to put appropriate images onto all of my previous blogs.
I love seeing the images that both Mary and especially Jen, who is our most present blogger have used with their blogs. Jen's recent question mark inspired me and I have loved her hammer over the scale photo.
I am happy to be back from my stay at Mary's and I was happy being there. They are a very loving and gracious family. I did learn from the experience that it is still important to me to be the captain of my own ship. It is an important part of aging to have some responsibilities, something to take care of plus enough interests in life to want to get up every morning. I have a strong work ethic inherited from my parents. They also left me with a sane attitude about the uses of money including an ethic about not living above one's income. Further I was inculcated with a sense of caring about and being informed about the larger community. My parents were very aware of and interested in the events and politics of the nation. I was born into our large Irish clan and community was an integral part of life. We were taught tolerance, that there was a basic equality particularly an equality of opportunity that was a right. We were not stupid - we saw differences in people but were encouraged to not see ourselves as higher or lower than those around us. Values such as these have stood the test of time and I have gratitude for them and hope to have witnessed them for my own children and grandchildren.
Two natures seem to dwell side by side in me. I am very social and love other people's stories. I have said that I am a person who likes going to other people's children's recitals - to look at the photos that are meaningful to them. I enjoy being out in the world among the energy manifested especially at night through lights and music. There is something intriguing about listening to the murmur of a crowd, seeing the animated faces, smiling without knowing why.
My other nature seeks and appreciates solitude. I contentedly spend hours alone enjoying the beauty that I am constantly creating around me. I have written before of watching a breeze moving the trees, the setting sun lighting a fire in a hundred roses, the stillness or busyness of my small graceful pool, the strange exotic light of a coming storm - any number of images that solitude makes room for. I read, meditate, reflect and sense the silence that is more than the absence of noise.
Physically my world can be and is very small. But in solitude I find myself impelled to go beyond the smallness of the egoic world that is inside me. It often feels confining, like a trap or being in a cage. Yet desiring to leave I don't fully, even with the door open.
I am being lived as one aging through these two natures and their inclinations. Having just celebrated my 83rd birthday I am grateful for the privelege of having had such an extended journey.
I had no idea what was to be said today. Having had so many years of experiences it is delightful to be surprised still by oneself. For now the question mark may be at rest.